Well, Thanksgiving for 2009 is over but not my memories of Thanksgiving of 1971. I was to leave Vietnam that evening. I was due to leave in two weaks but my youngest brother was hurt in a hunting accident. My brother's doctor put in a medical leave for me. It was a rush day as I would not be coming back. I had to process out in a very short time and catch the Freedom Bird that night. I got out processed that day and had little time for farewells especially for my Hootch Mate and best friend, Tom Hamilton. I got to a part of the base for the urine testing for drugs. I was the only one there and as luck would have it, could not go. They GI there gave me a sticker anyway and told me to head to Bien Hoa to catch my flight that night. He said I'd have to grab a ride outside the base. On the outskirts of the base I was confronted by Vietnamese civilians asking me if I wanted a ride. I sorta panicked and went to the MP Shack and called the 24th. With panic I told them I could not leave, that they were my family and I wanted a ride back. A short time later an ambulance from the 24th showed up with a couple of the drivers. I didnt' know them as I worked the night shift but they said there were to take me to Bien Hoa which they did. When we got there they advised the MP's and they kept an eye on me until I got on the Bird. The MP smiled at me as I boarded and told me to get on board and said he didnt' need to check me for anything, just had to get me on the plane.
The airline was Overseas International. We sat on the runway for a period of time and some GI's started screaming to take off before we get shelled. We took off and after it appeared to we were well into the sky, cheers were yelled out and the pilot came on welcoming us. We stopped to refuel at a military base in Japan. There were no newbies there as when I was going over there a year ago. It was just quiet with our plane being the only one there. We took off and flew straight to Travis Air Base in Oakland where we arrived about 15 minutes before we left Nam as I seem to recall. I purchased my tickets and took a cab with other GI's to San Francisco. It was late at night when we got there and the only thing I really remember is walking the terminal along with the other GI's returning but not really talking to each other.
I got on my flight to Omaha around 9:00 a.m. and sat next to an older lady. I was so happy she lit up first and I quickly joined here. (This is when the airlines moved smokers to the back aisles.) When she found out I was coming back from Nam she cut half here turkey dinner and give it to me saying I needed it more than she did. I got home and we went right to the hospital to see my little brother. I remember being exhausted. We got there and he said 'Aren't you glad I got shot, you got to come home because of me" or something very similiar. We got home and my brothers and sisters were there and said "Mom, show Mickey what he did you you while he was over there." She pulled off a wig and was totally grey. And my language/slang was what it was except a year older and mixed with Vietnamese pharses and my family laughed.
I knew right then that coming home was a mistake and I should have stayed with my brothers in Nam. I came from getting wounded off choppers, bagging bodies, etc. to ridicule and being called a baby killer - yes, my 2nd or third night.
At time goes by I thought I would forget but find that these are memories burned into my soul, mind and being. For some reason they seem so much stronger and I think and miss my brothers so much more. I know I will never forget my brothers and they are always in my prayers, thoughts and heart.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
23 November 70
The majority of the guys I was in advanced training with received their orders some time ago. Most of them got Germany, Belguim and Italy civilian status. I have been doing special detail, i.e. KP, along with other shit jobs waiting for mine to show up. On Monday November 23, 1970, I received my orders for Vietnam - excatly 39 year ago. There was no shock, tears, grief or disbelief. I knew that would be where I would be stationed. I alway knew that. I remember being a young boy and asking my mother if I would ever go to war and of course she said no. Years later when my induction notice showed up. she hid it. Of course, having so many brothers and sisters, they could not wait to tell me they came, where they were hidden and where they were.So starting the 24th I'll be start out-processing and head on on leave 25 days leave right after Thanksiving.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Guilt
Guilt was easy growing up a good Catholic boy as it came with the territory. Now that I am older I realize a lot of the guilt I carried was not justified. I am better able to identify those things I really should feel guilty about and wish I could change the things driving that guilt. Some I can change to a positive where “It’s not too late”, like my family and kids.
However, nothing can ever compare to the guilt I continue to carry from my service in Vietnam. I have continually beaten myself up for things that happened or didn’t happen and I always want to take full responsibility for them. Some of those are:
Why wasn’t I a grunt? Seeing the wounded day after day made me feel so ashamed that I was there working in a hospital and not out in the bush. Why should they be the ones?
Why couldn’t I understand the wounded GI I was getting ready to put onto a chopper who was going to be on an air-evac to Japan. It didn’t matter that he could barely speak or get words our or that the chopper noise was deafening, it was my fault. Why couldn’t I have done better at listening and caring for him? Even today I see him lying on the litter trying to get me to understand and becoming more and more frustrated. My telling him he was going to be ok only made matters worse. Why didn’t I do better?
Why didn’t I fight with the doctors when severely wounded GI’s were only being made as comfortable as possible? Why didn’t I speak up? They talked with me about it, that he was dying and they could do nothing for him. But why didn’t I push harder, why didn’t I make them do something, take him to surgery, heal him and make him well?
Why didn’t I get them into the hospital sooner from the chopper? If I had maybe the GI would have lived. Why didn’t I work harder and longer? Why did I let myself fail?
And most of all, why wasn’t I killed? Why did so many of my brothers die and go home in a box? Any yet, I came back to the world on a plane, uninjured?
There are so many more things I feel guilty and ashamed about. The Vet Center has helped but I know in my heart that this and my experience in Vietnam is burned into my being and will always be with me my whole life. I know in my heart that I did my very best for them, but the guilt remains. Never a day goes by that I don’t remember my brothers and they are always in my prayers. You will never be forgotten.
However, nothing can ever compare to the guilt I continue to carry from my service in Vietnam. I have continually beaten myself up for things that happened or didn’t happen and I always want to take full responsibility for them. Some of those are:
Why wasn’t I a grunt? Seeing the wounded day after day made me feel so ashamed that I was there working in a hospital and not out in the bush. Why should they be the ones?
Why couldn’t I understand the wounded GI I was getting ready to put onto a chopper who was going to be on an air-evac to Japan. It didn’t matter that he could barely speak or get words our or that the chopper noise was deafening, it was my fault. Why couldn’t I have done better at listening and caring for him? Even today I see him lying on the litter trying to get me to understand and becoming more and more frustrated. My telling him he was going to be ok only made matters worse. Why didn’t I do better?
Why didn’t I fight with the doctors when severely wounded GI’s were only being made as comfortable as possible? Why didn’t I speak up? They talked with me about it, that he was dying and they could do nothing for him. But why didn’t I push harder, why didn’t I make them do something, take him to surgery, heal him and make him well?
Why didn’t I get them into the hospital sooner from the chopper? If I had maybe the GI would have lived. Why didn’t I work harder and longer? Why did I let myself fail?
And most of all, why wasn’t I killed? Why did so many of my brothers die and go home in a box? Any yet, I came back to the world on a plane, uninjured?
There are so many more things I feel guilty and ashamed about. The Vet Center has helped but I know in my heart that this and my experience in Vietnam is burned into my being and will always be with me my whole life. I know in my heart that I did my very best for them, but the guilt remains. Never a day goes by that I don’t remember my brothers and they are always in my prayers. You will never be forgotten.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Veterans Day - 2009
Tomorrow is Veterans Day and today at the VA there are cookies, juice and coffee from volunteers passing it out and thanking veterans for their service.
I have had only one or two thank you's for my service. You see, I come from the Vietnam War which was unpopular here at home and our service and return was not met by enthusiastic Americans. In fact, we seemed to carry a lot of blame for something we had no control over and just did duty called when called by our Country. Myself and many of my brothers were treated poorly upon their return. And I don't believe our Military Branches knew what to do with us. The war was going badly and I believe many of us carried that burden unjustly. I believe that carries on much today as it did way back then.
Veteran's day will be a very quiet day for me as usual and I'll keep a low profile. I'm sure I'll also watch some war movies that will be on and will just be focused on the war and all of my brothers. There will be lot's of tears and sadness as I remember the GI burned in the plane crash who died with the hospital staff around him, the two soldiers who died when their APC flipped over on them and the GI who had a RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade) go off in his face and the sign that the hospital staff had by his bed that said "Don't say anything on how he looks as he is coherent at times". And I'll remember the night when mass casualties were coming in and we literally climbed into the chopper to get off the wounded who were pretty much piled on one another. One of those soldiers head was in my hand and I helped get him off the chopper. He was dead but I did not know it at that time. It was pretty bad as the NVA reversed a Claymore Mine, made a noise and they literally blew themselves up. As I went though his belongings there was a bloody card from his wife that said, "Just think honey, you'll be home in 33 days".
Veterans day is for remembrance. I will always remember all my brothers and you and your families will always be in my heart, memories and prayers.
I have had only one or two thank you's for my service. You see, I come from the Vietnam War which was unpopular here at home and our service and return was not met by enthusiastic Americans. In fact, we seemed to carry a lot of blame for something we had no control over and just did duty called when called by our Country. Myself and many of my brothers were treated poorly upon their return. And I don't believe our Military Branches knew what to do with us. The war was going badly and I believe many of us carried that burden unjustly. I believe that carries on much today as it did way back then.
Veteran's day will be a very quiet day for me as usual and I'll keep a low profile. I'm sure I'll also watch some war movies that will be on and will just be focused on the war and all of my brothers. There will be lot's of tears and sadness as I remember the GI burned in the plane crash who died with the hospital staff around him, the two soldiers who died when their APC flipped over on them and the GI who had a RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade) go off in his face and the sign that the hospital staff had by his bed that said "Don't say anything on how he looks as he is coherent at times". And I'll remember the night when mass casualties were coming in and we literally climbed into the chopper to get off the wounded who were pretty much piled on one another. One of those soldiers head was in my hand and I helped get him off the chopper. He was dead but I did not know it at that time. It was pretty bad as the NVA reversed a Claymore Mine, made a noise and they literally blew themselves up. As I went though his belongings there was a bloody card from his wife that said, "Just think honey, you'll be home in 33 days".
Veterans day is for remembrance. I will always remember all my brothers and you and your families will always be in my heart, memories and prayers.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
November - A Time For Remembering Our Veterans
It's November and to many people it getting ready for turkey day and then the real start of Christmas shopping. To me, it was the time I learned I was going to Vietnam and the day I returned.
Most of all, it is a month that brings many tears and memories. I find myself tearing up at most anything and having a hard time trying to talk, hide my emotions and hold back the crying. I begin to wonder why this happens and then I remember that in November it is Veteran's Day. I believe it is burned into every veterans being, especially those who served at a time of war and more so for those who served in the war zone. For me it brings back memories of my fellow 24th Evac GI's and I miss them.
The memories of the fallen are so vivid and clear. I will never forget those soldiers that I encountered in Vietnam. The pilot so badly burned they could do nothing for him. My bunkmate who was an OR Tech told me of him before I went in that night. He spoke of the sadness everyone was feeling for him and that he was not alone as hospital staff took turns being there with him. HE stated that this young man told them that he knew there were other worse than him and were being treated first. When I went in that night I stopped into pre-op. He was unconscious but I came and went as the night wore on as others did. The nurse explained to me why they could do nothing for him, that he was blind and was not in pain. It was a very sad night. In the early a.m. I was there when the Dr. pronounced him dead. You could hear a pin drop as he listened for a heart beat but there was none. There were many tears flowing from the staff, much like the day staff had done earlier. God, how is wish I remembered his name so I could someday meet his family and tell them he did not die alone and that his 24th Evac family was there when he died and he was loved and shown the utmost respect. They will never be forgotten.
Most of all, it is a month that brings many tears and memories. I find myself tearing up at most anything and having a hard time trying to talk, hide my emotions and hold back the crying. I begin to wonder why this happens and then I remember that in November it is Veteran's Day. I believe it is burned into every veterans being, especially those who served at a time of war and more so for those who served in the war zone. For me it brings back memories of my fellow 24th Evac GI's and I miss them.
The memories of the fallen are so vivid and clear. I will never forget those soldiers that I encountered in Vietnam. The pilot so badly burned they could do nothing for him. My bunkmate who was an OR Tech told me of him before I went in that night. He spoke of the sadness everyone was feeling for him and that he was not alone as hospital staff took turns being there with him. HE stated that this young man told them that he knew there were other worse than him and were being treated first. When I went in that night I stopped into pre-op. He was unconscious but I came and went as the night wore on as others did. The nurse explained to me why they could do nothing for him, that he was blind and was not in pain. It was a very sad night. In the early a.m. I was there when the Dr. pronounced him dead. You could hear a pin drop as he listened for a heart beat but there was none. There were many tears flowing from the staff, much like the day staff had done earlier. God, how is wish I remembered his name so I could someday meet his family and tell them he did not die alone and that his 24th Evac family was there when he died and he was loved and shown the utmost respect. They will never be forgotten.
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