Guilt

Guilt was easy growing up a good Catholic boy as it came with the territory. Now that I am older I realize a lot of the guilt I carried was not justified. I am better able to identify those things I really should feel guilty about and wish I could change the things driving that guilt. Some I can change to a positive where “It’s not too late”, like my family and kids.

However, nothing can ever compare to the guilt I continue to carry from my service in Vietnam. I have continually beaten myself up for things that happened or didn’t happen and I always want to take full responsibility for them. Some of those are:

Why wasn’t I a grunt? Seeing the wounded day after day made me feel so ashamed that I was there working in a hospital and not out in the bush. Why should they be the ones?

Why couldn’t I understand the wounded GI I was getting ready to put onto a chopper who was going to be on an air-evac to Japan. It didn’t matter that he could barely speak or get words our or that the chopper noise was deafening, it was my fault. Why couldn’t I have done better at listening and caring for him? Even today I see him lying on the litter trying to get me to understand and becoming more and more frustrated. My telling him he was going to be ok only made matters worse. Why didn’t I do better?

Why didn’t I fight with the doctors when severely wounded GI’s were only being made as comfortable as possible? Why didn’t I speak up? They talked with me about it, that he was dying and they could do nothing for him. But why didn’t I push harder, why didn’t I make them do something, take him to surgery, heal him and make him well?

Why didn’t I get them into the hospital sooner from the chopper? If I had maybe the GI would have lived. Why didn’t I work harder and longer? Why did I let myself fail?

And most of all, why wasn’t I killed? Why did so many of my brothers die and go home in a box? Any yet, I came back to the world on a plane, uninjured?

There are so many more things I feel guilty and ashamed about. The Vet Center has helped but I know in my heart that this and my experience in Vietnam is burned into my being and will always be with me my whole life. I know in my heart that I did my very best for them, but the guilt remains. Never a day goes by that I don’t remember my brothers and they are always in my prayers. You will never be forgotten.

Don't Ask - Don't Tell

In last Sunday's Parade Magazine in the newspaper there was a question on the status of the "Don't ask, Don't Tell" policy change. It quoted a Senator who stated something to the effect that he was brought up Catholic, was an Alter Boy and Straight but was for the change in policy as we needed more to serve in the war.

I believe it goes further than that and his remark should not be why we must allow gays in the Military. One's sexual makeup as being straight or gay does not determine the quality of the person or their abilities. I know many straight men who would do awful as a soldier and would tell you so. I also no many gay men who would make a great soldier and there are a large number of them serving today. I also had the honor of knowing some of them. And take a look at some of the officers who were discharged recently and huge support from there fellow service men but then again they were gay so they were apparently incompetent and unacceptable.

What are the determining factors that a person is solid and capable person? Why does being gay mean you are not capable to serve your Country. I served for over two three years and never once did that issue really become a factor as far as I was aware only only once did I hear a fellow soldier say it in a negative way towards another soldier. And this was in 1970-1973. Did I serve with gay men, along with married men, divorced men, men who got their girlfriend pregnant and need that job in their service for benefits an support of his new family, etc.? Yes. As in public life there are many, many types of people. I believe that I and most everyone else, do not have the right to judge and determine who is good and who is bad.

I myself believe those who commit crimes especially murder, rape, theft, abductions, taking advantage of minors, etc. are not good people and their are laws that have been broken and those people must be held accountable for their actions.

Who are we to say that two people who are attracted to someone of their own sex is unsuitable, bad, deranged, etc. When in the service, especially in a war zone one wants his fellow soldier to be qualified, watch his back, dependable and on and on.

When one is in the service, especially in a war zone that seems a zillion miles from home his fellow soldiers are his family. You depend on them. You eat together, shower together, go to church together, fight together, drink and party together, comfort each other, share your inner most thoughts and upbringing with. You will share a bond that those who never served will ever understand or know.

I believe that when in a foreign land and fighting a war for a people who have a different language, religion, history, etc. it brings even more loneliness, isolation and frustration. Many of those who served have made their best and most memorable friend they will have have in this situation and many times will never see again once they get back to the World. And for many of those soldiers that friendship will become more of a physical, hugging, horsing around friendship. At some time it may become a sexual relationship. They will reach out to comfort each other and to feel another warm body against theirs. Someone who will understand them, where they came from and how they feel.

Will this become a sexual romp just to get off? Probably not. It will be just two soldiers, two friends, two lonely and caring men who have formed a bond only other's in their same situation would understand. Is one or the other or both gay, bisexual or straight? Perhaps. But what I believe they are are just two men serving their country who in the midst of all the madness, death and destruction around them formed this incredible bond and at this moment in time share that bond and love for each other. They know they may not make it through this tough fight and may not see each other again after this is over but for that brief time know that tenderness, compassion, the warmth of another body and love exists.

Regardless if these soldiers just share that horseplay, headlocks, and just spending as much time together or take that it to the next level, Love is Love and I believe in this case more pure than most.
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After posting this I came across a website about soldiers who served in WWII, Vietnam who have died. One headstone carries the message:

"When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one."

A dad and his son in Afganistan.

There were two stories today, one on Fox's website and one on CNN's that caught my interest. Fox had a story and a video clip of a school children singing a song that praised President Obama. The other was a story that covered a father and son serving in Afghanistan. To me, the most important was the father and son story.

The story told of the "lifer" father and his family and how he raised his son and daughter. It contained information about the son wanting to go into the Army with the dad suggesting that he at least give college a try, which he did for a year. But he wanted to go into their service.

They are both paratroopers and part of the same command, but different units. This article spoke not only how close the family is but the closeness of father and son. When I looked at the picture it was clear to me the love the family has for each other. You know there are those pictures that don't seem really genuine and those tat are. The pictures were wonderful. One could immediately tell just how close and loving this family is and no doubt the love that is shared. And there was no doubt in my mind that both the father and son are true characters full of joy, excitement, adventure, mischievous, etc.

I believe it is time for our government to require that all representative of congress the senate and the president serve in the Armed Forces and receive an honorable discourage. Yes, there are some who could not serve because of physical issues that an alternative may have to be devloped, but still in service to our Country.

As for the praise for President Obama in the song, to me it's nothing more that some school children singing a song for an elected official who, as far as I'm concerned, has not yet proven his value to our Country and it's citizens - and I do wish him success and pray he will have all United States Citizens in his best interest. .

So instead of singing aobut him, let's sing a song of praise to the men and women who have served, are serving or will be serving our country. They are the true heroes that make our Country the land of the free.

May God look after you tonight and all nights and keep you safe.

Coming Home from War

On the CNN website today there are stories from IReporters regarding veteran fears on going home. I have not read them but had those fears on my return from Vietnam. As I had said in an earlier post, I was release a couple weeks early due to my little brother's hunting accident. It was on Thanksgiving day 1971. I was rushed to get my records, packed, processed and out that night.

It may sound strange but as that day progressed the more afraid I felt. I wasn't able to say my goodbyes due to the nature of my leaving other than to a few people. I remember one of the Ambulance drivers from the South who started crying and hugging me. I did not even get to say a real goodbye to my bunk mate nor exchange addresses with him or others I had been stationed with.

I was so confused. At first I was happy that my time had come to return to the "World". Then, slowly, I became afraid. It took me only a couple days to return home without those goodbyes or to even try to understand what was about to happen. It took me a day after I returned to realize this was a mistake. The "World" as I left it wasn't the same. It had progressed to a different time. Slang was different, people were different and I was what I was a year before, frozen in time except that I was no longer the same inside. I was overwhelmed with sadness for the sudden loss of "my family" in Vietnam. Those who you shared so much with. The joy of a soldier surviving his injuries and going home, working 12 hours or more a day with little time off. Sharing joys, sorrow and friendships. Hearing the song "Leaving on a jet plane." or "I'm five hundred miles from home." and not ashamed of crying or having tears run down your cheeks knowing that your feelings were truly understood. And sharing the biggest sorrows of war, dismemberment and death. Always remembering those whose suffered such pain, loss of limb, burns and death.

I have been back almost 40 years yet remember it as if it was yesterday. And how I long for those days again and I go back there daily in my thoughts and dreams. I have come to realize recently with the help of the Vet Center that no one would be able to sustain living that type of life for 40 years. But I have more understanding as to why I feel the way I do and I feel so proud of what I was able to do in that year and proud of my fellow soldiers. A number of years ago someone in Washington D.C. said that we were not the best but I beg to differ. We may have been from poor or minority families that were drafted, uneducated or could not afford college but we gave all we could for a country and it's citizens who were ungrateful for the scarifies we made. Yes, things may have tempered since then but the hurt we experienced, the name calling, etc. will remain with us forever.

To my fellow Vietnam Veterans - and all veterans from any era - we were all the best this country had to offer and this country is free because of us.

War Memories Renewed

It has been a week of sad stories from the wars in Afganistan and Iraq including stories of veterans who served and died for this Country. For me, this week has brought back many sad memories. I try to be what I perceive as my usual self, joking, telling stories for laughs, etc. Inside my heart is breaking.

First it is from all the E-mails I am receiving regarding sad stories of our veterans that break my heart. But when I investigate further, many of the stories in the E-mails are not true and I'm not sure where they are coming from. Is it from someone who believes they are being patiotic? Do they feel they are supporting our troops? Do these people, many who have not served our country, realize what this does when sending these types of stories to veterans, especially those who served or were involved in a war zone? I find myself crying more and more and trying to hold back my emotions. And as the week is progressing I find myself becoming more emotional for the simplest of reasons.

And then there has been the sad stories of Pat Tillman and his journal, letters and how he felt about the war, his fellow soldiers in boot camp, etc. And of the father who finished the book for his dead son and his traveling to Iraq. There was also a family that received word their son had died only to find he had not.

I read today how many soldiers are going to experience PTSD from their experience in Afganistan and Iraq. But I think of those who served our country in Vietnam and the huge impact these wars are having on us. Our war didn't really end in our mind and life (does any war) nor did we have the support of the country. For many of us, we hid our emotions and tried to be the best we could. Now many of us find that we can no longer hold in those feelings that we have felt for so long.

I yearn for the day when I'll no longer be on this earth and reunited with all my brothers and sisters from Vietnam. What is heaven to me? It is being with those wonderful veterans sharing stories our lives and service. It will be reuniting with all of those who died, especially those who I was personally involved with. Those who I was with when they died or stripped off their clothing secured their valuables and put them in that awful bag. I want to know their families and tell them that I and others were there with them, that weI cried for them and they were not alone.

Why does one wish they were still back there, reunited with people who you really didn't know but had this incredible trust and affection for? There is never a day that goes by that I have not remembered and nor will I ever forget. My thoughts go out to all our veterans past, present and future. I think of you daily and you are always in my prayers and thoughts. No matter what war you were from, branch you served, you were the best of this Country which would be nothing without you and your service.

November - 1970 - Ft. Gordon GA Thanksgiving

Well, here I am at Fort Gordon, GA. I finished my advanced training "Communication Center Specialist" and finally received my orders after weeks of detail including KP (Kitchen Police), etc. How did I get Vietnam when most my fellow GI's received orders for Belgium, Germany and Italy.

I knew it when I was growing up, even when I was young, that I would to go war. My mom always said not to worry, that I wouldn't. Here is how it came to be I think. I actually advanced in typing as I knew how to type. But later in the training I blew a very very basic test. They were shocked. They were shocked, I can't describe that somehow it just didn't connect. So I backed up a few days in the training. Did that cause the delay in orders and my assignment? I'll never know. I always thought it did but then didn't I always know I'd go to war?

So here I am trying to out process so I can go on my leave and we just celebrated Thanksgiving. During out-processing they inform me that I can't leave as I didn't pass the vision test. Ya think? I flunked it during my physical for the draft. They sent me go Greenburg Optical around the corner from the Fadley Building. It happened to by our family eye doctor. He told me that I had low vision in my right eye that was not correctable for the service. I took that note back and they said, "Don't worry, we will get you glasses".

I now have to go to an eye doctor on base who states I need to get glasses before I can deploy overseas or go on leave. I pretty much tell him the story and to sign my papers which he does. I now have a very long walk back to the out-processing center. Now that I think about it why didn't I take base transportation both ways instead of walking that long distance?

My plane didn't leave until the next day so I decided to say in the barracks. Since everything was turned in, I slept on my slipcover over the mattress. In the middle of the night I was woken up by the officer on duty and told I wasn't authorized to be in the barracks but stayed the night anyway. I was sick from all the shots I received. I finally fell into a deep and troubled sleep.

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and realized that the folks on duty didn't' wake me up to catch my flight, which I missed. When I did get to the airport, Delta went and gave me a first class seat to fly from Augusta to Atlanta. When I got to Chicago, I met up with a fellow GI I knew from basic. He name was Albert Wall and he was from Greenwood Nebraska. While waiting for my connecting flight on United, I got a call at the desk at the gate. A small bag I checked in opened up and baggage claim was trying to find me. Luckily I had information in the bag. Unfortunately I also had dirty underwear as I took a shower before I left the base. Funny about the things you worry about. Not where I was going but that I had dirty underwear. (In a later post I'll let you in on how I avoided that problem going on R&R.) When I got to Omaha I said my goodbyes to Al and took off for my leave. When I opened up my bag the man who took care of it for Delta put his name card in the bag along with baggage tag's. I was honestly touched by his kindness.

It's kind of odd that here I am going on leave before leaving for Nam right after Thanksgiving and that would also the the same scenario a year from now. The difference is that my innocence would be lost and I would be forever changed.

Friday, November 26, 1971 - Homcoming

I got on the plane to Omaha and as I walked down the aisle I saw the older lady I would be sitting next to. I thought, shit, she'll bitch if I smoke. The plane took off and she lit one as soon as the light "no smoking" light went off. I really didn't talk to anyone on the plane. She did ask me where I was coming from and I said "Vietnam". She welcomed me back and immediately scooped 1/2 her turkey lunch into my plate and said I needed it. One of the few, if any, acts of kindness I would ever receive when it came to Vietnam. Other than that the flight was uneventful.

Three hours or so later we landed in Omaha. I was met by some of my family and my mom took me to the hospital to see my brother who was in his early-mid teens. He said to me "I bet your glad I got shot so you could get home early." I was shocked at what he said. Never in my life would I have ever wanted something like that to happen. Fuck man, I just spent a year working at a hospital in Vietnam taking wounded and dead off the choppers and getting them into the ER. And I bagged my share of bodies. Now this? What the fuck was happening.

I don't think I said much of anything and as time went on got really tired. We headed to the family home. I got to say hi to the rest of my family. No too long after that I went to get some needed Zzzzzzzzzzzs.

As I lay there falling asleep I wondered what I was doing back in Omaha and the World and greatly missing my family at the 24th Evac.

Thanksgiving, Novmeber 25,1971 United States

It's early morning and the Freedom Bird had landed at an airbase in Japan. We got off the plane while it's refueling. Inside it is a stark contrast to what it was a year before. Last year there were GI's like us who were returning to the World. I remember how old they looked and they looked so sad and we very quiet. I remember how dirty they jungle fatigues were compared to our new and spotless ones. However our return, there were no "newbies" just us. At the time I really wasn't aware that they war was winding down and fewer soldiers were going to Vietnam.

After the plane refueled, we took off for Travis Air Base in California. The plane was an old 707 and there was no movies or really anything else. We got three meals and the Sky went from dark to light and back to dark again. After about 10 hours we landed at Travis, on Thanksgiving night.

I had on Khaki's so was able to get a flight and not wait to get a new uniform. When getting my flight another guy yelled "Hey Mahoney". It was a guy had been with in either basic or advanced training. He must have been on the same plane as me. Anyway, he needed $20 or $40 to pay for his flight. I gave him the money. (For those who know me, this is probably the one time in my life I actually had extra cash on me.) He wanted my address to send the money to me and I gave it to him, knowing full well he would not send it and me not really wanting him to. I was really glad I could have helped.

I shared a cab with some other GI's and I think we went over the Golden Gate Bridge and headed for the San Francisco Airport. When we arrived I checked in for my flight which would leave the next morning at 9:30 a.m. After that, I joined the ranks of the other GI's, quietly walking around the airport. One GI did approach me to ask how old I was. I was 21 and he wanted me to rent a car. I turned him down. I can't remember why he wanted me to get he car.

The remainder of time I don't believe I talked to one person, just joined the ranks in pacing the airport with my fellow GI's.

Thanksgiving November 25, 1971 in Vietnam

That day finally arrived. I'm leaving Vietnam tonight for the World. My little brother was in a hunting accident and they thought he would lose his hand. My mother was divorced with 6 kids at home and overwhelmed. She contacted the Red Cross and I was leaving Vietnam on Emergency Leave. Since I was "short" and due to return I would not be coming back.

I had difficulty getting my records as it was Thanksgiving Day and many of the branches on base were closed. There were a few GI's doing a hunger strike against the war but it was Thanksgiving and I heard they were still getting some chow so. So much for the hunger strike. I finally got all my records and hastily packed. I worked 7:00 p.m. to 7 a.m. every day so didn't' really get to see those night shift folks and the goodbyes were very limited. I remember one of the ambulance drivers crying and hugging me. I have never been able to forget that I never were able to say goodbye to those people I spend so much time with.

I got a ride over to the facility where I'd get my urine test that was required to leave the country. It was later in the afternoon and the clock was ticking. I went into the facility. Just me and another GI who gives and monitors the test. Along the wall was the urinals and large overhead round mirrors so they could watch and make sure you actually urinated in the bottle. A person would be away from the urinals until they started to pee, then run up to the urinal and fill the bottle. Shit, talk about bashful kidney's. After a while the GI said he know I was on Emergency Leave and gave me a sticker to confirm I passed the urinalysis.

After this was done I asked how I was to get to the airbase, Bien Hoa, to leave on flight R2B3. He said I'd have to hitchhike. OK I said but internally I was scared, confused and panicked. I went out side the base perimeter within minutes a car called pulled up with a Vietnamese driver asking if I wanted a ride. No I replied and went to the MP shack and got ahold of the 24th Evac and with tears in my eyes said "Your my family" and I'm not leaving. I was told to stay there and someone would be coming. Shortly afterwards one of our newer ambulances showed up. The driver and companion got out and got my gear into it. They said there were told to get me to the airbase.

I don't remember much from that point on other than them having a conversation with an MP when we arrived. The MP kept near me and kept asking if I was OK. Around 2200 hours they began loading the plane. As I walked out on the tarmac to get on the plane the MP was their with his dog checking GI's getting on the plane. He smiled at me and said he did not have to check me and for me to get on the plane.

It seems it was a long time to get the engines going and soon the GI's started to yell to take off, get off the ground before they hit us, etc. All was very quiet as the plane roared down the runway and took off. When it appeared we were high enough that nothing could happen, there were loud screams of joy. The pilot voice came over the speakers and welcomed us aboard the "Freedom Bird".

I didn't yell when we took off. I just sat quietly. I was so overwhelmed by the last 24 hours. Wasn't this what I had waited a year for, finally going home and but why am I feeling such sadness?

Pirates on the High Seas

Well, the Somalia's pirates are going strong and pirating ship after ship, going farther out to sea and seeking and getting larger ships. The ransoms are also going up with each and every ship that is seized. All the while the World basically sits back and watches, except for India which sank a mother pirate ship recently. What good is it to have Russia, NATO, the United States etc. in the area if they don't take action and just basically watch. There are times one needs to stand up and take action.

In Vietnam I remember a Huey shot up over the Saigon River. We were monitoring the conversations with "Wide Minnow" who directed choppers to the appropriate hospital, i.e., Head and Burn patients to the 24th Evac. We listened as the chopper went down and they were going to try to reach it by Ambulance as it was near the 24th. The co-pilot stated he was getting it back up and it was then directed to the 24th. I was on the helipad as the crippled ship smacked down with it's bent skids from the previous forced landing. We rushed in the pilot, door gunner, etc. into the ER. We were told from the Americans on that ship that they were hovering over a Sampan asking the two South Vietnamese advisers for the OK to fire as they felt they were North Vietnamese. They did not get that clearance and in turn they were fired upon. If memory serves correctly, the pilot had among other wounds his heel shot up, the door gunner, crew chief and co-pilot also wounded. The only people not wounded were the South Vietnam advisers.

I heard stories like this over and over from other battle casualties who stated that they were awaiting an OK to fire but ended up getting fired upon first. How many lives of our soldiers trying to protect our freedom have been endangered by this type of direction? And what is scary is that you hear the same today going on in Iraq and Afganistan.

Having said all of this, what is the reason nothing is being done against these pirates? The major powers are letting these ships and crew held hostage. Why? Can someone intellegently answer this question? Isn't it time to blow them out of the water rather than be held hostage by the events?

Repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Over 100 retired Generals and Admirals said it is now time to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't tell policy and that Great Britain, Israel and other Nations have gay and lesbian serving. The article also stated that there is an estimate that there are over a million gay/lesbian veterans here in the United States.

Wow, did I just feel a chill in the air? I'm sure this will really blow (no pun intended) many citizens away. And I know it is probably very hard for some to understand or imagine gays or lesbians in the military. However, I believe this has been the case for all time. I remember reading the book Dispatches by Michael Herr. In it he states something to the effect that he was out in the field and it was very quiet except for the two marines making love in a sleeping bag (or something to that effect). Interesting choice of words, not screwing, not fucking, but making love. Was it just the feel of another warm body to hold on to? A round-eye who spoke their language and understood that tomorrow may be the last day? A fellow soldier who became good friends and who wanted to share that friendship to the highest level possible? Or, for those people who felt more of a freeze than a chill in the air, were they just two queers and that is the reason the war was lost?

What was my eperience serving this Country as well as being stationed in Vietnam? That is for another post, another day.

Premature Babies born in the United States

A couple days ago there was an item on the news regarding how many babies are born premature and the many implications facing that child including death. That news item also stated that many parents-to-be are choosing to have the child induced due to an upcoming vacation, event, etc. I wondered what other implications there when a child is born premature other than the ones widely known? Is there a chance that since the baby was induced that due to the timing they will face obstacles that we don't even know about or can't imagine? Is our lives and activities so important that we want to knowling risk the health of our children? It this what the me generation is all about?

I was born over 58 years ago and was induced. Why? The family doctor was going to go on vacation and there was no sign I was ready for the big event. The doctor apparently informed my parents that I was ready and he was going to induce my birth. I think back now that I am older and wonder if that had an impact on my outcome. Is that why I was so behind in my speech, vision problems, etc.? Were there other problems that I'm not aware of that would put my mind at ease as to how I got to where I am today? Does it really matter at this point in time?

Regardless, I do know one thing. I was part of the first draft in 1969 when capsules were drawn that gave you a number associated with your month and day of birth. My number was 145 for my birthday, August 4th. Those who held that number was to have a 50-50 chance as far as being drafted. I was drafted and in boot camp at Ft. Lewis Washington in May of 1970, vision problems and all. I wonder if I had had a natural birth what day that would have been and what number would have been as well. Do I have any regrets regarding the draft and going to Vietnam. I can honestly say no. As you follow my blog as time goes that and many other questions will be answered.

A Biker's Jacket

This afternoon I was at Wal-Mart and my wife and I decided to stop at the McDonald's in the store for a soda. As I was getting ready to sit down I noticed two men as well as a 12 or 13 year old sitting at the table next to ours. They had on their leather jackets, chaps and boots. I noticed their jackets with all the patches, the largest being "Combat Veteran". The name tag on the front said "Wingnut", "Desert Storm and POW patches also were part of the jacket. As I was looking over the jacket and all of the patches my wife asked why I was staring at the man. I said I was looking at his jacket. How could I tell her I was trying not to be overcome by emotion seeing the pride he has for serving his country. I find it hard to describe my feelings at that point in time. I wanted to go over and visit with them about their service, where they served, how it was coming back to the World and on and on. Unfortunately, I could not. I was so afraid they would find out that I was a Vietnam Veteran. How would they look at me? Like the citizens of this Country did when I returned to the world so many years ago? Would they consider me as worthy as they felt.

I let the time pass and didn't say anything. When leaving the store they were getting on their bikes and I noticed the young man with his jacket. It too had patches much like the man he was riding with. I suspect that was his father and my heart was overjoyed at that sight and the love they must have for each other as well as love of Country.

Will I ever be able to let go of my emotions and show my pride in my service to this great Country and the pride I have in serving it?