Out of Nowhere

It comes from out of nowhere and it's impact is immediate and happens when it is most unexpected. It is that thought, image, trigger, smell, feeling, etc. that takes us back to Vietnam. Last night I was watching the story on the artist Robert Kinkaid on Lifetime. In this story his mother is seated outside speaking with a man wearing a field jacket. A little later that same man is speaking with Thomas Kinkaid in the graveyard looking at his son's grave. The man was saying how much he still missed his son, etc. The impact was immediate and tears began to flow down my face. I had to fight the sobbing and was barely able to hold it in. Memories flooded my mind and it was overwhelming to me. Our living room was fairly dark and I didn't want my wife to see me cry or ask questions although I knew she saw but this was something she has seen many times. I know she doesn't understand, but does know that this is a time for all to be quiet with no questions or conversation, even when it is over.

I used to think that one day I would have little memories of Vietnam and life would become carefree and "normal" whatever that is. But I have come to find out that for me it has gotten more intense as time has gone by. I am finding it very hard to hold in my crying and emotions. Something I have done for over 30 year. Is it harder now because I have spoken to someone at the Vet Center? Because of this blog? Is it the new war and seeing those injured at the VA?

What I do know now is that I'll never forget. The hardest thing is that I took so many wounded off the chopper and took care of so many dead but I don't know there name. And for those who died I can't go and find their name on the Wall. But it doesn't really matter. They are all my brothers and are in my heart and prayers.

Trust / Russian Roulette

Several days ago here in Omaha an Airforce Airman was died while playing a game of "Trust" where you show your trust by looking down the barrel of a gun held by another GI. I have not been able to get this out of my mind since I read about it.

When I returned from Vietnam I went to the Dundee Theatre here in Omaha to see "The Deer Hunter". In that movie Christopher Walken dies playing Russian Roulette. I was devastated by watching that movie and something about Russian Roulette was making me even crazier after seeing that movie. I went on a mission to go through my letters I sent home. It struck a nerve. I knew that I had experienced a wounded GI who played Russian Roulette in Vietnam or was my mind playing a horrible trick on me. Well, I found the letter I had written on 24th Evac Hospital Progress note paper stating the GI was dead in our ER. I remember getting him off the chopper and being in the ER at this time and the conversation of how he was killed by playing Russian Roulette. I remember the anger I felt at first wondering how he could have done this to himself, playng this terrible game, especially in a war zone. I thought of his family and how they would be told of his death and how it happened. Then comes the realization that a young man has died, one of my bothers who had a family who loved him and how much he will be missed. No, I have never knew him but I will always remember him. He and his family has always been in my prayers.