Out of Nowhere

It comes from out of nowhere and it's impact is immediate and happens when it is most unexpected. It is that thought, image, trigger, smell, feeling, etc. that takes us back to Vietnam. Last night I was watching the story on the artist Robert Kinkaid on Lifetime. In this story his mother is seated outside speaking with a man wearing a field jacket. A little later that same man is speaking with Thomas Kinkaid in the graveyard looking at his son's grave. The man was saying how much he still missed his son, etc. The impact was immediate and tears began to flow down my face. I had to fight the sobbing and was barely able to hold it in. Memories flooded my mind and it was overwhelming to me. Our living room was fairly dark and I didn't want my wife to see me cry or ask questions although I knew she saw but this was something she has seen many times. I know she doesn't understand, but does know that this is a time for all to be quiet with no questions or conversation, even when it is over.

I used to think that one day I would have little memories of Vietnam and life would become carefree and "normal" whatever that is. But I have come to find out that for me it has gotten more intense as time has gone by. I am finding it very hard to hold in my crying and emotions. Something I have done for over 30 year. Is it harder now because I have spoken to someone at the Vet Center? Because of this blog? Is it the new war and seeing those injured at the VA?

What I do know now is that I'll never forget. The hardest thing is that I took so many wounded off the chopper and took care of so many dead but I don't know there name. And for those who died I can't go and find their name on the Wall. But it doesn't really matter. They are all my brothers and are in my heart and prayers.