Tomorrow will be Veterans Day and its seems like the last few days have been a lot of ads for free meals for Veterans, Veteran Day sales, thanking Veterans, etc. For me, I still feel awkward whenever I hear that rare thank you directed to me. As a Vietnam Veteran I, and probably the majority of Vietnam Veterans, never received a thank you. For me, when it finally did, it came too late.
I don't think a day has ever passed that I have not thought of Vietnam, those I served with and those who were wounded or died. It is so burned into my memory and is part of my being. It is like time has really stood still and I remember it just like it was yesterday. I can't seem to think past that time and so much of me wants to be back there. I miss those I served with and shared my life with. Nothing has ever been able to replace that or my feelings.
I was 20 when I got there and was really uneducated and naive. Thinking back I didn't even know what an Emergency Room (ER) was or did.. And there I was after few days in-country, with no medical training, answering a radio regarding choppers bringing in the wounded and dead and doing whatever I could do to assist the doc's, nurses and medics. It was unimaginable what I saw and did at the 24th.
So here I am on the night before Veterans Day feeling so quilty that I am alive and not understanding why God let me live and did not spare someone else.
This Veteran's Day will be like those before where my mind will be flooded with memories of my brothers. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I will never forget you.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
My Dad's Letter
I've been reflecting on being a father for some time and trying to figure out what I did right but seem to only be able to find things I've done wrong. I am reminded of when I was in Vietnam and received a letter from my dad. I guess I may have gotten more than one but I only remember this one and the first line from that letter. That line said "I don't know why I"m writing this letter.". Damn, I was mad and pissed off at him. I had never felt close to him and felt like I was the kind of son no one would want and this seemed to just validate those feelings.
When I was in Basic Training earlier I had called home from the hospital at Ft. Lewis. I had went to sick call and was sent to the hospital. I was going to have a surgical procedure done. I was feeling scared, lonely, etc. and called to talk with my mom. She started talking right away about dad leaving again and his drinking. She said she did not have any money and cashed my income tax refund check. She wanted to know if it was OK to divorce him. Well, so much for the call. I don't remember what I said and the call was short and I was feeling like the adult in the family again or rather being forced to be the adult. I was the second of eight and the 1st boy. I pretty much worked full time and went to school and help support the family and many times into the adult role. (She did divorce him.)
So here I am looking back at my being a father and thinking of my own father. It was easy as a young kid blaming him for everything. Yep, he drank and would be gone for a few months and then return. This happened over and over and got worse over time. As I got older, he called me all kinds of names and made fun of me and me fighting back just as bad. But I never knew or thought that there were things in his life he could not handle, being in WW2, had a lack of support from his family, a job that was only seasonal and that he would never be able to measure up to his brothers (he was the oldest). I began to realize he did the very best he could and I also realized that there were things I did as a son that were not the best I could have done. I also realized that in many ways I was caught between my mom and dad and that had a big bearing on me and my dad's relationship.
I was lucky in the fact that I came to realize this before he died and was able to tell him how much I loved him and thank him. And when he was in hospice at home I was able to take care of him. I remember telling him that he did the best to take care of me and now it was my time to take care of him. I am so thankful I had that opportunity and felt so close to him in his final days. I was able to tell him I loved him and although he had difficulty speaking he told me he loved me too. I remember him calling "Mickey" from his room and me being so glad I was there for him.
In the end, I think of one night with my dad. It was getting dark and I was about 10 and he and I were sitting on the stairs coming up the small bank in front of our house. He was holding a hose with a nozzle on it watering the grass he was trying to grow. A bird was fluttering under, and enjoying the water. He was smiling and laughing watching this bird and talking to me about this bird liking the water, etc. I remember being so happy, just me and my dad. Funny how in the large scope of my life that something that seems so little and insignificant can mean so much. It is a memory that I will always cherish.
When I was in Basic Training earlier I had called home from the hospital at Ft. Lewis. I had went to sick call and was sent to the hospital. I was going to have a surgical procedure done. I was feeling scared, lonely, etc. and called to talk with my mom. She started talking right away about dad leaving again and his drinking. She said she did not have any money and cashed my income tax refund check. She wanted to know if it was OK to divorce him. Well, so much for the call. I don't remember what I said and the call was short and I was feeling like the adult in the family again or rather being forced to be the adult. I was the second of eight and the 1st boy. I pretty much worked full time and went to school and help support the family and many times into the adult role. (She did divorce him.)
So here I am looking back at my being a father and thinking of my own father. It was easy as a young kid blaming him for everything. Yep, he drank and would be gone for a few months and then return. This happened over and over and got worse over time. As I got older, he called me all kinds of names and made fun of me and me fighting back just as bad. But I never knew or thought that there were things in his life he could not handle, being in WW2, had a lack of support from his family, a job that was only seasonal and that he would never be able to measure up to his brothers (he was the oldest). I began to realize he did the very best he could and I also realized that there were things I did as a son that were not the best I could have done. I also realized that in many ways I was caught between my mom and dad and that had a big bearing on me and my dad's relationship.
I was lucky in the fact that I came to realize this before he died and was able to tell him how much I loved him and thank him. And when he was in hospice at home I was able to take care of him. I remember telling him that he did the best to take care of me and now it was my time to take care of him. I am so thankful I had that opportunity and felt so close to him in his final days. I was able to tell him I loved him and although he had difficulty speaking he told me he loved me too. I remember him calling "Mickey" from his room and me being so glad I was there for him.
In the end, I think of one night with my dad. It was getting dark and I was about 10 and he and I were sitting on the stairs coming up the small bank in front of our house. He was holding a hose with a nozzle on it watering the grass he was trying to grow. A bird was fluttering under, and enjoying the water. He was smiling and laughing watching this bird and talking to me about this bird liking the water, etc. I remember being so happy, just me and my dad. Funny how in the large scope of my life that something that seems so little and insignificant can mean so much. It is a memory that I will always cherish.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Surgery and My Guilt
A few months ago I woke up and found I had limited use of my right arm and could not pick up anything, brush my teeth, feed myself, etc. The Doc said I had profound loss of use and needed to have surgery pretty quickly or I could end up with permanent loss. I had neck surgery a month later and they took a couple discs out of my neck, put in some donor bone and a metal plate. I've got most of my use back and I'm very thankful for that. My wife and brother was with me in preop as they were getting me ready for surgery and I felt very agitated as I found the surgery was going to be longer than I thought and they were taking out two discs, not one as was the original plan. But more that that I was thinking of the GI's in the ER who would end up in surgery. Memories and thoughts of Vietnam are always near.
As I was laying there I thought of all the GI's that passed through the ER while I was there and especially those who ended up in surgery. I was thinking about them being injured or wounded in a war zone and how lonely and scared they may have been and not having any friends or family with them. And those circumstances were very different, critical and urgent than me just having neck surgery. I felt ashamed that I was nervous or agitated. I always felt I was much less than those GI's and a less deserving person. I always wonder how I ended up as part of the ER and taking wounded off choppers and not out fighting. I have always felt a lesser soldier and person. I wonder why God did this to me and why I"m alive or not suffering as those who were wounded were are. I've been to the Vet Center, PTSD Clinic, etc. and try to listen and understand what they have said, what I've heard from other Vietnam Vets in these surroundings but I can't seem to ever not feel this intense guilt and the need for forgiveness. I find myself always telling the wounded and dead that I'm sorry.
I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. My life seems such a mess and I want so badly to be back in Vietnam and be with those I felt so close to or connected to that I served with. And those wounded GI's are forever burned in my memory and it just seems to get more and more intense. I often wonder if I am in hell or maybe purgatory and when I think that I get so scared.
All I can say is to my brothers and those who came through the ER, or into surgery, please know that I and others at the 24th worried for you, were there for you and prayed for you. I have done that every day.
As I was laying there I thought of all the GI's that passed through the ER while I was there and especially those who ended up in surgery. I was thinking about them being injured or wounded in a war zone and how lonely and scared they may have been and not having any friends or family with them. And those circumstances were very different, critical and urgent than me just having neck surgery. I felt ashamed that I was nervous or agitated. I always felt I was much less than those GI's and a less deserving person. I always wonder how I ended up as part of the ER and taking wounded off choppers and not out fighting. I have always felt a lesser soldier and person. I wonder why God did this to me and why I"m alive or not suffering as those who were wounded were are. I've been to the Vet Center, PTSD Clinic, etc. and try to listen and understand what they have said, what I've heard from other Vietnam Vets in these surroundings but I can't seem to ever not feel this intense guilt and the need for forgiveness. I find myself always telling the wounded and dead that I'm sorry.
I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. My life seems such a mess and I want so badly to be back in Vietnam and be with those I felt so close to or connected to that I served with. And those wounded GI's are forever burned in my memory and it just seems to get more and more intense. I often wonder if I am in hell or maybe purgatory and when I think that I get so scared.
All I can say is to my brothers and those who came through the ER, or into surgery, please know that I and others at the 24th worried for you, were there for you and prayed for you. I have done that every day.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
December and the Greatest Generation
December is always a month when my emotions run rampant. It is the month I left for and arrived in Vietnam - 1970. I think of my journey and how lucky I was to have so many wonderful GI's cross my path while in the Army, if only for a short time. They were my co-workers, defenders, friends and confidants. They were soldiers who defended their country and who came when they were called. At the 24th they were the ones who cared for, and saved, so many lives. They were skilled, dedicated and caring and I'm so proud that I was able to be part of the 24th.
December brings great sadness. I guess that is because that is the time when my life was forever changed. I'm sad that I am no longer there and I miss those who I have crossed paths with and the friends I made while in the service. There is also great sadness, horror and loss as I think of those who came in who were wounded so badly and those who died fighting for our freedoms. Their images are forever burned in my memory.
December is also the month Pearl Harbor was bombed and when one hears even more of the Greatest Generation, those who served in WW2 or were a part of that period. I really began to wonder this year about who the Greatest Generation is. As I've thought about this I came to believe that Greatest Generation should not be limited to WW2. We have those who served during the Korean War - the Silent War. Were they not the Greatest Generation of their time? Aren't those who served in Vietnam the Greatest Generation? We also have those who served in the Persian Gulf War, Iraq and Afghanistan, are they not the Greatest Generation of their time? Who determines who the Greatest Generation is? Should we not consider that all service men and women who served are part of the Greatest Generation of their time?
And one should also consider the support of the American Public. It was firmly behind our Country during WW2. What was it during the Korean War? I know it was not there during the Vietnam war. Does the lacking of that support make those who served less than the Greatest Generation? I don't believe it does. Servicemen and women served, supported, fought, were wounded and died no matter what or when the war was. And each war has different circumstances, struggles, etc. And regardless of what the American public felt of that war, those who served came when they were called. They did not decide to start a war to go to war, they just came when called and because of them we, as Americans, have the freedoms we have today. And regardless of what Americans think of the war, they should never take it out on a service member or veteran - just provide full support and respect for him or her regardless of the war.
So as December ends I again find myself is this very emotional state of happiness, sorrow, horror and anger. (The same emotions I feel throughout the year.) I know I will never forget, nor would I want to forget. I will always miss those I served with. And to those patients who were ill, wounded or died and our paths crossed - there is a special place in my heart for you and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
December brings great sadness. I guess that is because that is the time when my life was forever changed. I'm sad that I am no longer there and I miss those who I have crossed paths with and the friends I made while in the service. There is also great sadness, horror and loss as I think of those who came in who were wounded so badly and those who died fighting for our freedoms. Their images are forever burned in my memory.
December is also the month Pearl Harbor was bombed and when one hears even more of the Greatest Generation, those who served in WW2 or were a part of that period. I really began to wonder this year about who the Greatest Generation is. As I've thought about this I came to believe that Greatest Generation should not be limited to WW2. We have those who served during the Korean War - the Silent War. Were they not the Greatest Generation of their time? Aren't those who served in Vietnam the Greatest Generation? We also have those who served in the Persian Gulf War, Iraq and Afghanistan, are they not the Greatest Generation of their time? Who determines who the Greatest Generation is? Should we not consider that all service men and women who served are part of the Greatest Generation of their time?
And one should also consider the support of the American Public. It was firmly behind our Country during WW2. What was it during the Korean War? I know it was not there during the Vietnam war. Does the lacking of that support make those who served less than the Greatest Generation? I don't believe it does. Servicemen and women served, supported, fought, were wounded and died no matter what or when the war was. And each war has different circumstances, struggles, etc. And regardless of what the American public felt of that war, those who served came when they were called. They did not decide to start a war to go to war, they just came when called and because of them we, as Americans, have the freedoms we have today. And regardless of what Americans think of the war, they should never take it out on a service member or veteran - just provide full support and respect for him or her regardless of the war.
So as December ends I again find myself is this very emotional state of happiness, sorrow, horror and anger. (The same emotions I feel throughout the year.) I know I will never forget, nor would I want to forget. I will always miss those I served with. And to those patients who were ill, wounded or died and our paths crossed - there is a special place in my heart for you and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
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