Surgery and My Guilt

A few months ago I woke up and found I had limited use of my right arm and could not pick up anything, brush my teeth, feed myself, etc. The Doc said I had profound loss of use and needed to have surgery pretty quickly or I could end up with permanent loss. I had neck surgery a month later and they took a couple discs out of my neck, put in some donor bone and a metal plate. I've got most of my use back and I'm very thankful for that. My wife and brother was with me in preop as they were getting me ready for surgery and I felt very agitated as I found the surgery was going to be longer than I thought and they were taking out two discs, not one as was the original plan. But more that that I was thinking of the GI's in the ER who would end up in surgery. Memories and thoughts of Vietnam are always near.

As I was laying there I thought of all the GI's that passed through the ER while I was there and especially those who ended up in surgery. I was thinking about them being injured or wounded in a war zone and how lonely and scared they may have been and not having any friends or family with them. And those circumstances were very different, critical and urgent than me just having neck surgery. I felt ashamed that I was nervous or agitated. I always felt I was much less than those GI's and a less deserving person. I always wonder how I ended up as part of the ER and taking wounded off choppers and not out fighting. I have always felt a lesser soldier and person. I wonder why God did this to me and why I"m alive or not suffering as those who were wounded were are. I've been to the Vet Center, PTSD Clinic, etc. and try to listen and understand what they have said, what I've heard from other Vietnam Vets in these surroundings but I can't seem to ever not feel this intense guilt and the need for forgiveness. I find myself always telling the wounded and dead that I'm sorry.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. My life seems such a mess and I want so badly to be back in Vietnam and be with those I felt so close to or connected to that I served with.  And those wounded  GI's are forever burned in my memory and it just seems to get more and more intense. I often wonder if I am in hell or maybe purgatory and when I think that I get so scared.

All I can say is to my brothers and those who came through the ER, or into surgery, please know that I and others at the 24th worried for you, were there for you and prayed for you. I have done that every day.