Lonely

I saw the Nut Doctor again today which was a good thing. I've been really sad and lonely and it was good to see him. It's odd what one's perception is of themselves. I've never had what I would call really close friends in school and I felt awkward and was really kind of quiet and shy. I never felt like I really fit in. After high school, at 18, I went to United Electronics in West Des Moines. It was a bad move as I barely made it through high school and never really learned to study as work was the goal and what I needed to do growing up.

 In Des Moines I began to feel "normal". I worked a lot and tried my best at school but didn't really have the basics to be successful. However, I was able to establish some beginnings of a friendship with a few people. And there was one special friendship I had. It was with Steve. He was from Wisconsin and we had things in our past that had happened to us. I'm not sure how it came up, or why, but it did and we had this instant connedction. As a result, I felt we had a very close relationship and even though brief, I remember it and miss it and him. Unfortunately my dad and mom made me come back to NE which really set me back mentally and emotionally. I was supposed to have went to Wisconsin with him and another guy after I returned to Omaha but was not able to. I did go back to Des Moines for a couple of hours but my dad made me bring my younger brother so much that needed saying was not said. Luckily (or unluckily) I just worked again lots of hours and that became a way of life again. I did work at Ak-Sar-Ben which was an Omaha Horse Racing track. I met some guys and started to develop friendships again.

Around this time I was drafted. So here I am this uneducated, clumsy, non-athletic, poor eyesight guy going into the Army. In a way it was a very good thing. I was able to accomplish things I never thought I'd be able to do. I gained confidence in myself and most of all began to actually feel like I fit in again. Of course, I think that would be for anyone going into the service. We are from all around the Country, don't know anyone and are all in the same position. Friendships seemed to come easy and story telling about where we came from, our families, our adventures, etc. came easy. I remember in Basic Training at Ft. Lewis sitting outside with a guy from Maine. It was so quiet and no words were spoken as we listened to Taps. It was a memorable moment.

At Ft. Gordon, I met Dennis Esposito. He was from LA, married and to me a man of the world. I would sit and listen to his adventures in amazement. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have a friend like him and wondered why he'd want a friend like me. I found his address and wrote him a letter after coming home from Vietnam to find out that he was stationed right by me in Vietnam. I was sick at hearing this and unfortunately we lost track of each other and never met each other again.

In Vietnam I met Tom Hamilton. He was from the PA and had grown up very different than I did. He was smart, funny and a good friend. We ended up sharing a Hootch together for about six months into our tour. He was the one who was told to turn up the IV's on the North Vietnamese Soldier I was taught to use the Ambu bag on when he came in via Medivac. He was brain dead and they needed the bed. I was able to find him years after leaving Vietnam and we exchanged a few letters. I think the memories were to much and the contact only made them stronger and perhaps too much time had passed as well.

My final duty station I met Norman Faria from CA. He was, again, someone totally opposite of me and who would have never thought we'd have been friends, but we were. He loved going to a mall in Colorado Springs and see this large parrot at a pet shop that amazed him. Since Omaha was about 9 hours from Ft. Carson me and a number of guys too far from home would come with me. It got to be on a real regular basis. We were inseparable. When I was being discharged he warned me about going home and what he thought it would do to me. He came to see me with another GI once shortly after I came back to Omaha. It ended up being a sad visit. He felt so strongly that I not stay and he ultimately was right. My last memory of him was tears rolling down his cheeks telling me it was not good for me to be at home again. I now know he was very right. And I miss him, being with him, and missed conversations and adventures we may have had.

I made a friend at my civilian job in Denver and it was a good friendship but that ended once I lost my job and moved back to Omaha.

Today the Nut Doctor and I talked a little about friendships and how they are so different and unique in the service and seem to come so easily and are very meaningful. I told him that I felt so much support from the military friendships and that they really saved me. (I have to say that about Steve in Des Moines as well.) Unfortunately, we move on to different duty stations and start the process of meeting new friends again, but for me, I have never forgotten the special friends I made and I am so thankful our paths crossed, even for just that short time. And I am lonely because I miss them. I'm lonely as I have no friends to share my thoughts, troubles, stories and laughs with.

So, to these special friends, thank you for saving me, being there for me and I hope I was there for you. You are missed and in my heart and I have not forgotten you.