Just Listen

Things in my life have been spiraling downward for some time and everything is such a struggle. I feel like I'm going crazy. I keep looking back at my life and wondering what I did wrong, the bad mistakes I have made and what impact they have had on my family and those around me. I feel I have really tried my best but always seem feel like a failure. I keep asking, is it all me? What could I have done better, why did I do things the way they did, etc. I feel so sorry for any pain I may have caused others. I keep wanting to take the blame for everything and I just can't do it anymore. I know I made mistakes but other's did too. Do they see it? Do they care? A lot is going on and I don't know why people around me can't listen. Listen to what I said and am saying. Listen to how I feel....what I'm really feeling. I'm trying to tell them but they don't seem to care or to listen. I need to feel that I matter. I need to feel that I am cared for and loved. I need to be heard. I'm so burned out and it seems like I have always been a caregiver and now I need care. I try to tell them but no one listens. I'm just so unsure of life at this point in time. Is there a future with me in it? What will that life be? Does anyone really care? Do I live in a dream world and expect something that just doesn't exist? At times like this my mind takes me back to Vietnam, not that a day doesn't go by that I think of it. It was the very worst yet the very best. I know it really sounds crazy but I felt happy there and felt a special bond...friends / people you depended on...your family. I was glad when my time was up and I was going back to the World but as I was leaving it hit me. It was my family I was leaving and I was not yet ready to go and due to going on Emergency Leave I didn't ever get to say my goodbyes. But I know I did listen and I also know I was heard. Well, it's late and I'm rambling. You should do it...just listen to someone who really needs to be listened to. They may only need someone to listen or possibly more, but just listen and you'll know and it may be one of the most important things you do today....Just Listen.

Father's day

Today is Fathers Day. For some it is getting together with your father and spending time with him. For others it may be calling him from a distance, SKYPE, etc. and telling him happy fathers day. For some it may be not wanting to remember him at all. And then there are those who lost their father before they met him due to his death in war or those who knew their father but also lost them due to war or death. I thought of those children today and how much they must miss their father. It is a day for remembering and thanking them for being in their life. As I think of my father I think of man that I believe was very shy and one who never quite felt he measured up as a husband, father, provider, worker, etc. I was the oldest of five boys and I never felt he really loved me or that I measured up to what he thought a son should have been. I remember when I was in my 30's I put my arms around him at a wedding and tried to kiss him and tell him I loved him. It didn't go as I wanted and I was so hurt. It was not until he was dying and in hospice that I realized he loved me. We were taking turns taking care of him at his home. I remember telling him my first day/night staying with him that he took car of me when I was a kid and that he had done his best and now it was my time and for him not to worry when I changed him, etc. I always made sure to tell him I loved him. And then one night in a very gravely voice I heard him say "I love you too Mickey." He had lost much of his ability to speak but I did hear that. And he would be in his room and call me "Mickey", "Mickey", to come into his room. Words cannot express my happiness and feelings. There are not books or instructions to be a parent and some of us just really try and try. In looking back I can now see how much my dad had going against him and just how difficult life must have been for him. I looked at some letters this week when I in Vietnam and I am so ashamed. How I wish I could now tell him how sorry I am. But then I look back and those last few days and never had I felt so close to him and loved him so much. I think he new that and him telling me he loved me and me him was closure. I believe I am very much like my dad in many ways. So dad, I'm thinking of you this Fathers Day with warm thought and prayers and a warm heart. Love - Your son - Mickey

Long Binh and the 24th out of Water

Most Long Binh was out of water which affected the 24th. Right about this time the radio came to life. Queen Tonic this is Wide Minnow. Wide Minnow, this is Queen Tonic we responded. Wide Minnow then went on to say what type of casualties we had inbound. At this time we were told to advise the chopper we could not take any patients due to no water supply. The GI I worked with asked how do we tell Wide Minnow we don't have water. He asked about a code or something so the VC (The way I remember it.) would not know we had no water. I didn't know what to tell him to say so he gets on the radio and says: Wide Minnow this is Queen Tonic. We can't take any patients as we do not have Whiskey-Alpha-Tango-Echo-Romeo. The call came back: Queen Tonic this is Wide Minnow. Are you saying you don't have any water. All we could do was laugh and I still grin when I think of this. What can I say, we were young GI's doing our best and we did get it out what we were out of Whiskey-Alpha-Tango-Echo-Romeo.