To make a difference....

I spoke with a person early last week on a high level regarding my PTSD and I ended up totally frustrated, confused, inadequate, etc. I blame myself as I'm the one who initiated the meeting/conversation. And for the last three weeks my mind has been overwhelmed with memories, confusion, thoughts of what it was and what could have been and what it is. Sometimes I get so fucking pissed off. I just want to blow. All this inside is just killing me and I'm so lonely and miss those special friends I served with. I want that back. I was not ready to come back from Vietnam. I thought I was but since I left on emergency leave a week or so before did not get a change to say my goodbyes, exchange address, etc. Not every duty station was filled with a ton of close friends but always that one you felt so close to I hurt so much having lost that. And I think everyone you served with was away from home and depended on each other and in a sense became a family. The guilt right now is overwhelming that I was not killed and I think it would have been best if I would have been. I look back at my life and other than the service, especially Vietnam, its so fucked up. I tried to be a good husband but that sure doesn't seem to be the case. I tried to be a good stepfather, paid all the bills, medical, trip to see dad and grandparents etc. and ended up with a step-daughter who disowned me and told me I'm not her father. Pretty much failed for my adopted daughter and son as well. Fuck, I tried to give them all what I didn't have growing up and ended up with kids who didn't learn responsibility and I'm so sorry and wish I would have raised them differently. Less trips, buy their own car, pay their own insurance, etc. Here I am, just turned 64 and retired but will probably need to find another job. Never good at money management and did poorly in school and wanted to give my kids everything. So, I didn't save for retirement. When I was force retired in 2003 I built our small dream house. Well, taxes weren't taken out of my distribution and with poor attorney advice I lost my new home and some furnishings, live in an apartment and just retired from a second job. So most of my monies I get go to pay back federal and state taxes that I was told the assets from the home sale would do. I'm also raising a seven year old disabled grandson who is just a beautiful little boy which brings its own issues like I don't have a home with a yard and he loves being outside, will I live long enough to see him through 19, will I be able to get monies aside for needs when I'm gone and find someone who will be there for him and make sure he is taken care of and his needs met. Know one will really ever know what I really went through, feel, etc. other than the Nut Doctor and Social Worker I have been seeing and then only at a higher level but they are smart and probably really know more than I think. I rarely, if ever, talk about Vietnam but the memories are always with me no matter what and in the last three weeks I have been hit harder than ever with memories in things people have said, smells, hurt by comments, etc. I've been so sad for so long. At night or when alone I cry, remember, wish and pray. I ask God what I have done that has been so bad that my life is like this. I think of a couple special friends and wish I was smarter and knew what was going on and I'm so sorry I didn't as my life could have possibly been different. Knowing everything I do I would go back to Vietnam. It is so much a part of me and I tried my best to "Make a Difference". I guess that is all one can hope for is to "Make a Difference" and just touch someone life. So many times I wish I'd have died in Vietnam and be among my brothers who I know are in Heaven but all I am able to do is pray for them and tell them I'm sorry they died and I wish it would have been me so they would have have come home, been with their families and lived a life that I hope would have been wonderful. All I can say is that I'm so sorry it was not me.