November 1970 & Veterans Day 2015

45 years ago in November of 1970 I was stationed at Ft. Gordon, GA, waiting for orders. Almost everyone in my MOS who finished school when I did had received their orders and many were for civilian status in Germany, Italy and Belgium. Since I didn't get mine I pulled duty as KP, barracks clean up, etc. I knew in my heart they would be for Vietnam and remember telling my mom at a young age I was going to be in a war. When they did come in they were for Nam and I began out-processing. At that time they said I flunked the vision test at my induction physical and that I was to have glasses. So I walked to get my eyes examined and was told I needed glasses and would not go on leave until I got them. I told them I failed the test at the induction physical and that they then sent me to see a civilian eye doctor who said the could not be corrected enough to enter the service and that I would not have the vision required. Regardless, I was inducted and even though they said I'd get glasses it never happened and that is was too late for that and I was going to to on leave as scheduled the following day. I went back to the out-processing center and told them the same and they signed off on my paperwork. I slept on a mattress cover on my bunk that night and was sick from the flu shot. They forgot to wake me so I missed an early flight. Thankfully, Delta Airlines got me on a plane and I was able to make my next flight. Today it's Veterans Day 2015 and it has been cold and rainy. Some Veterans day activities moved indoors. There were also the many different businesses offering free coffee, breakfast, dinners, donuts, etc. for Veterans and active military. Since we are raising my eight year old grandson I didn't get to a breakfast as he had a doctors appointment, then needed medications picked up, etc. To be honest, I have only went to one breakfast a couple years ago. Three years ago I went to mass on Veterans day morning. I was a mess and tears were hard to hold back once I got in the church. Once mass started I really began to lose it and tears were really flowing and all I could say to myself was "I am sorry" over and over. Sorry for those Nam vets who were wounded and sorry for those killed and that I was still alive. At this mass the grade school students were there and veterans had to stand up and the children gave each one a small American flag and hand made card. There were about 20 veterans attending mass that day. These were the only time that I have ever done anything on Veterans day. Usually I am away by myself thinking, reading, praying and watching a sad movie such as "The Best Years of Our Lives" and just cry the day away and keep apologizing. I have this guilt that at times is very overwhelming. It is somewhat better thanks to getting help from the Nut Dr. I am now seeing. I know I served well and in a capacity I had now training and knowledge for a hospital/ER, getting GI's off choppers, etc. And I always remember on night at the 24th ER after a Mass Casualty that a young GI from the field walked up to me and said "I don't know how you do this every day and I'm glad I'm in the field". You know I don't wear the flag pin, Army or Vietnam T shirts or caps as I still cannot bring myself to do that and I still feel so much guilt. I did wear a couple shirts at the NE Vietnam reunion a couple years ago and for the first time my life felt I belonged. I feel it does not matter what I wear or what event I attend but what is in my heart and mind and it is always with those I served with, those wounded and killed. To all Veterans and Active Duty Military I want to say thank you for what you have done, are doing and will be doing. You are what makes our Country great and free.