Fathers Day

Today is Fathers Day and many, many fathers will be honored by their children and families. And there will be those fathers who will have an extremely sad day remembering their sons who were murdered in Orlando last week, killed by violence, died due to illness or in war whose Fathers Day will never been the same again. And then we have children who have lost their fathers. We must cherish our families all the time we can with those we love as no one knows how long they will be with us. I never really thought about being or wanting to be a father. Its not that I didnt' like kids, I just didn't have that desire to be a father. In Vietnam we had many kids come in who needed some type of treatment, were wounded, I sorta helped babysit them when their parent(s) were in ER or OR. Before I got out of the service I worked in a program with children with learning and physical disabilities and did the same in a job for about a year after Vietnam. I just jumped in with both feet wanting to make a difference. Now I have had my own family for over 35 Years and seem to have failed greatly. None of these children are mine as I was too afraid of being in contact with Agent Orange. When I met my wife she had a young daughter making me a stepfather and we, actually too soon after marriage, became foster parents. We ended up a three month girl who was considered non-adoptable and when it looked like she whould be going home at three years old we adopted a 3 month old boy from Korea. The young girl ended being adopted by us at around three years old due to her parents rights being terminated so we actually ended up with three children. Things ended up being difficult and I wish we had done things differently or in a different order but I guess a lot of parents feel that way. My adopted daughter had a dad and she did see him even though he lived in a different state as well as her grandparents. Being a stepfather can work out good or bad. In my case it ultimately ended up bad. As a stepfather you really are an outsider with no legal rights, well except for me I paid for all her medical, braces, school trips as well as partial costs to fly to see her father or grandparents, and just about everything else. Sad, but never a thank you from anyone. Also, there was a lot of conflict between my wife and I on this. And we have not seen her or the granddaughter for over 13 years nor never saw the second granddaughter due to a conflicts, especially one started by her mother-in-law and her failure to address a stupid issue with her son telling my wife to address it with her daughter instead. Lot's of apologies on our side but that didn't seem to matter. About the last message I had from her was to never talk to her father again. Funny how a child can blame their child for all the ills of their life and never look back and see that it was a two way street and take some responsibility especially as they became older, married, etc. where needed. My adopted daughter has disabilities and took a great of our time and enery from the very start along with some of the other children. I'm sure my step daughter was hurt and harmed by some of this for which I am sorry. Again, being just married and taking on so much was not the best decisions we made and it remains quite a struggle even today. My son is handsome and athletic who loved baseball and sports. He never seem to mind it that I didn't know much about sports, and always told me what was going on, the rules, etc. He played sports in school and was great at it. I also called him a typical Asian, very quiet and touchy/caring. I thought I was always there for him, stood up for him and loved him like no other but I know question that and would love to have him sit down with me and just talk and share his feelings. He has a girlfirend and I know a son usually gravitates to the girlfriends/wife family. However, that girlfriend/spouse also needs to acknowledge that there are two families involved, not just one. My dad and I didnt' really get along. I was the oldest of five and the second oldest. I remember him calling me names like the big queer and I never felt I stood up to his expectations. I was different and I think that really bothered him as I may not have filled the mold. I wouild tell people I was the son no one would ever want and really felt I was adopted. As I got older I realized it just wasn't him and that I did contribute to issues. I also realized how my mom played me against in and I was many times stuck in the middle between them and when he left many times put into the dad roll. I was so glad to be with him in hospice at this home and help take care of him. The first time I had to change him I told him not to worry. He took care of me when I was young and did his very best and now it was my turn to take care of him. I'd chat about anything and just do what I needed to do from then on. He pretty much lost his ability to speak but I when I was with him I told him I loved him and at night I'd tuck him in and say "I love you." and he said "I love you too Mickey." And then at night he call out for me "Mickey, Mickey" even when my borthers were there and I felt so close to him and thankful for the wonderful closure we had. Now, I am raising a 9 year old grandson with learning and physical disabilities in our home and am his legal guardian. He is a wonderful little boy and I love him to death. You know, I made the mistake of giving my kids everything I didnt' have, i.e., trips, cars, paid their car insurance, doing whatever I could for them no matter what. Now I realize I didnt' give them the chance to learn for them selves, pay for their own cars, insurance, etc. etc. I've been told by them I didn't show them how to do things, etc. Gosh, I had to work to help support a family, bought rusted out and beatup cars for transportation, worked all the time, etc. No one told me what to do, I knew what I had to do. But I do see their point and I also realize my mistakes but cannot take full responsibility for all their failures. Gosh, my retirement would be so much better if my daughters father stepped up to the plate for his daughter and if I had not bought cars, insurance, etc. for them and pushed them some when growning up, etc. So, to my children I offer my apologies for my failures this day as a father but ask you to look to your failures as my children. Afterall, it does go both ways. No matter what I will always love you. Dad