It has been a long week. My youngest sister was diagnosed with colon cancer and underwent surgery this last week. So far, she does not have to have a Colostomy and I pray she grows stronger and recovers. It appears they caught it in time and I'm so thankful for that.
In 2002 ago my mother died of colon cancer after a long illness. Although terminal, she fought a very good battle. It was a case of having cancer, but a Dr. who didn't really listen to a patient stating she had some pain so it had progressed too far before he took action. After a period of time and several surgeries, she had to have a Colostomy. My wife told me that my mom told her that she could see I was really bothered when I first saw it. But there was much more to it that what she believed.
In Vietnam I saw a few patients who, due to wounds, had to have colostomy/stomach surgery. My first encounter was when I saw a patient on the Post Op Ward . How can I describe what I saw and experienced that first time. The incisions, bandages, and odor. All of these combined were overwhelming to me at first, not knowing or understanding what had happened, etc. And then I felt so bad for those young men and just so helpless. I hated what was happening to them and just could not understand why.
But there was one instance that brings great sadness to me. If I remember correctly, it was a young Lt. brought into the ER. He was in excruciating pain. I was not with him for very long, just to get information from him in the ER and I was there when the ER doc was gathering information. He told the Dr. that he was playing pool. Apparently someone got mad at him and when he was bent over the pool table making a shot the other GI rammed the pool stick up his ass. (No better way to say this.) Again, he was in so much pain and every move caused even more excruciating pain.
I left the ER before he was examined and I can't remember what happened or the outcome of his surgery or his prognosis. All I know is that this poor GI was in such pain and I suspect his life will remain altered due to this senseless act. And I also suspect he ended up with a Colostomy. I often think of him and wonder how he is and what became of him. So, whenever I hear of a Colostomy, I remember this young Lt. and think of him and say prayers for him. I find this the hardest part - not knowing the outcome of those who I came in contact with at the 24th. It leaves such an empty feeling and I so want to know what happened to them. I can only remember them and keep them in my prayers.
I also want to say that several years ago I read an article of a GI in Iraq who was in an ambush. He suffered multiple wounds and also ended up with a permanent Colostomy. He went on to set-up a group to send school supplies to Iraqi school children. He to has been in my prayers as well.
I pray to God for all our Veterans and those now serving our Country.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Did You Ever?
Did you ever? Did you ever just sit back and just wonder? That is something I have been doing more of lately. I'm not sure what is driving it. Could it be because I'm getting to that certain age? Could it be that I'm just tired? Or is it that I now want to think more of me and in doing so all the "Did You Ever?" comes up?
Did you ever want to start life over, knowing what you know now?
Did you ever want to tell your parents you now understand how difficult it was being a parent?
Did you ever wish you studied harder, put forth more effort?
Did you ever wish you were a better parent knowing you did your best but believe you've failed?
Did you ever want to be more honest?
Did you ever really want to be yourself instead of something other than what who you appear to be?
Did you ever want to just stand up for what is right and your beliefs rather than being silent?
Did you ever want to touch peoples lives in ways others have not?
Did you ever want to be truly loved for who you are?
Did you ever want to make a difference?
Did you ever want people to remember you as someone who touched a life and someone special?
Did you ever want to be heard?
Did you ever wish you had money or were rich?
Did you ever want to meet people from Russia, China, North Korea and really sit down and just really, really, openly talk and learn.
There are so many "Did You Ever?" that comes to mind that I can't list them all. And many of them would never be realized and some may viewed as just stupid. And if I were rich I'd share it with those who needed it so I'd never be rich, and so on, and so on. And I guess of the "Did You Ever?", there is a number one "Did You Ever?" I really wanted to do:
Did you ever want to go back to Vietnam? Absolutely. I think of Vietnam all the time. Will it make a difference in my life if I go back? I don't know but I sure hoped I'd get that chance. I always wanted to go there with my son who was adopted from Korea. For some reason I have always thought it would bring some closure for me. It would also be an experience both of us would cherish and he and I have had this quiet connection regarding Vietnam. I suspect I'll never have that opportunity.
Well, it's time to get some ZZZZZZZZZZsss and I hope that tomorrow I can lighten up some. It seems I have been on such a downward spiral and so sad for a very long time. I just can't seem to shake it. I guess it's just another one of those "Did You Evers?"
Good Night -
Did you ever want to start life over, knowing what you know now?
Did you ever want to tell your parents you now understand how difficult it was being a parent?
Did you ever wish you studied harder, put forth more effort?
Did you ever wish you were a better parent knowing you did your best but believe you've failed?
Did you ever want to be more honest?
Did you ever really want to be yourself instead of something other than what who you appear to be?
Did you ever want to just stand up for what is right and your beliefs rather than being silent?
Did you ever want to touch peoples lives in ways others have not?
Did you ever want to be truly loved for who you are?
Did you ever want to make a difference?
Did you ever want people to remember you as someone who touched a life and someone special?
Did you ever want to be heard?
Did you ever wish you had money or were rich?
Did you ever want to meet people from Russia, China, North Korea and really sit down and just really, really, openly talk and learn.
There are so many "Did You Ever?" that comes to mind that I can't list them all. And many of them would never be realized and some may viewed as just stupid. And if I were rich I'd share it with those who needed it so I'd never be rich, and so on, and so on. And I guess of the "Did You Ever?", there is a number one "Did You Ever?" I really wanted to do:
Did you ever want to go back to Vietnam? Absolutely. I think of Vietnam all the time. Will it make a difference in my life if I go back? I don't know but I sure hoped I'd get that chance. I always wanted to go there with my son who was adopted from Korea. For some reason I have always thought it would bring some closure for me. It would also be an experience both of us would cherish and he and I have had this quiet connection regarding Vietnam. I suspect I'll never have that opportunity.
Well, it's time to get some ZZZZZZZZZZsss and I hope that tomorrow I can lighten up some. It seems I have been on such a downward spiral and so sad for a very long time. I just can't seem to shake it. I guess it's just another one of those "Did You Evers?"
Good Night -
Thursday, December 30, 2010
New Years Eve - December 31, 1970
It will be New Years Eve tomorrow and on that day it will have been 40 years since I landed in Vietnam. And although it has been 40 years, it remains so much of me. The flight to Vietnam was via Airlift International from California to Alaska, Japan and finally Bien Hoa. The stop in Japan was the longest and one where we saw retuning soldiers. I remember them and us as being quiet. Most of them had their jungle fatigues on and they were really worn out, dirty and much different looking than our new fatigues. And even though I knew these were young men they seemed so much older than their years.
After landing in Vietnam we remained seated on the plane as some type of crew came on board with camera’s and lights filming. A GI screamed out that the plane could be attacked which started a mad rush to the open forward cabin door. I seem to remember the terminal being open with ceiling fans and it just being hot. After processing at the airbase we went via bus to Long Binh for in-processing. I remember looking out the open, wire covered, windows of the bus at this strange place that was hot, had strange smells, music, the Mama-san’s with their hats, etc. It was such a different world.
When we in-processed we had to brush our teeth with that gritty tubed material at an outside “cattle looking” trough. I seem to remember a Sergeant saying something like ‘You won’t know when you’ll get to see a Dentist again.” There was also a sign in both English and Vietnamese saying not to drink the non-potable water. What the hell did that mean? I know several others beside myself who did take a small drink. We were thirsty. Also, It didn’t’ take long to realize that everything was both in English and Vietnamese. Later that afternoon we finished our in-processing and we were pretty much free to wander a small area. We ate at the mess hall that had a sign “Alice’s Restaurant” and checked out everything we could.
During this short period of time friendships were established between total strangers. We banded together in small groups as we explored everything we could, laughed and made fun of things each other did, or reactions. We shared information between each small group about what we found, saw, heard, rumors, etc. We seem to go from being young soldiers to just young teenagers, 20 year olds away at school or camp. I suspect to an onlooker it would never appear we were going into a war. And as day turned into night we eventually all went to our assigned hooch to call it a night.
Then, in the middle of the night, we heard the gunshots and weapons going off. It was dark and no one knew what to do. A guy fell from the top bunk and I believe his nose was bleeding. It was 20-30 young men scared, not knowing what to do. Then somehow, someway we found out it was midnight and the local GI’s were shooting off rounds of ammo, rifles, etc. celebrating the coming of New Years. I think we all may have felt a little embarrassed but I think it was then we truly realized we were in a war zone.
The following morning, January 1, we started getting our orders. As our new found friends left one or more at a time, we said short good-byes and to me it felt like I was losing a very close and dear friend. I have always found this a very sad time in the Service, but it has left me full of wonderful memories. I don’t know how to explain how one can just meet a person and have this friendship/bond established so quickly. I have experienced primarily in the Service, especially in Vietnam. I felt so sad when we all parted ways. I still struggle with this as I want to see that person again, to share memories and our friendship yet I don’t even remember their name. I spoke with a counselor at the Vet Center and he tried to explain this all to me but I still have an intense struggle inside of me and such sadness.
I think that this next year I need to focus on just how wonderful it was to have met these young men and just remember those crazy, unpredictable moments we shared and how fortunate I am that our paths crossed. Not everyone can have an experience such as this.
So, to my brothers, I pass off warm thoughts of friendships past. I’m thankful that we shared friendships, even if only for a brief time. Please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Monday, December 20, 2010
U S Embassy Attack - 1971
A coworker just came back today to work. She took a trip that included a stop in Cambodia and she brought back small gifts. She gave me a wood bookmark with a metal Elephant emblem on it. Hearing of her taking this trip and now her return brings back memories from Vietnam.
In 1971 there was an attack at the U S Embassy in Cambodia. The soldiers (Marines I believe) were playing some type of team sport for recreation I believe and an attack took place where a number of service men were injured and I believe some were killed. Although later it would be said the wounded were medivac'd to a hospital in Saigon, many (most?) of them were sent to the 24th Evacuation Hospital in Long Binh. I don't remember the numbers or if they were all sent to us, just that there was a large number of incoming wounded. The emergency room and support staff went to work and I remember the ER being full of wounded with more coming in. I was to get information from one of the Marines and get armband on him, etc. I tried to speak to him but he refused to give me any information. He would not give me his name, rank or anything. His superior who was either enlisted or an officer laying on another litter close to him. He was also being treated. He basically raised his voice and told him (ordered him) to answer me. If I remember correctly he told this young soldier he was in an Army Hospital and we were soldiers and Americans. The young Marine then gave me what I needed. Other than that I remember the mad rush and work being done by all the hospital staff and, of course, blood and cut off clothing everywhere. I also remember bits of pieces of what these young men's stories of what they were doing and the surprise attack.
It seems the littlest thing will bring a memory back. For these you men I again wonder what happened to them, their lives,etc. I also get mad at myself because I can't remember everything that happened, was said or more about these young men. Actually, I feel this way about my entire time in Vietnam. I know this may sound very strange but I'm afraid I'll forget.
All I can say right now is that my brothers are in my heart and mind and prayers and you are not forgotten.
In 1971 there was an attack at the U S Embassy in Cambodia. The soldiers (Marines I believe) were playing some type of team sport for recreation I believe and an attack took place where a number of service men were injured and I believe some were killed. Although later it would be said the wounded were medivac'd to a hospital in Saigon, many (most?) of them were sent to the 24th Evacuation Hospital in Long Binh. I don't remember the numbers or if they were all sent to us, just that there was a large number of incoming wounded. The emergency room and support staff went to work and I remember the ER being full of wounded with more coming in. I was to get information from one of the Marines and get armband on him, etc. I tried to speak to him but he refused to give me any information. He would not give me his name, rank or anything. His superior who was either enlisted or an officer laying on another litter close to him. He was also being treated. He basically raised his voice and told him (ordered him) to answer me. If I remember correctly he told this young soldier he was in an Army Hospital and we were soldiers and Americans. The young Marine then gave me what I needed. Other than that I remember the mad rush and work being done by all the hospital staff and, of course, blood and cut off clothing everywhere. I also remember bits of pieces of what these young men's stories of what they were doing and the surprise attack.
It seems the littlest thing will bring a memory back. For these you men I again wonder what happened to them, their lives,etc. I also get mad at myself because I can't remember everything that happened, was said or more about these young men. Actually, I feel this way about my entire time in Vietnam. I know this may sound very strange but I'm afraid I'll forget.
All I can say right now is that my brothers are in my heart and mind and prayers and you are not forgotten.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Veterans Day 2010 - Part 2
I wanted to go back to Veterans Day as a follow-up. I did as I had planned that day and went to Mass around 8:15 a.m. I became very rattled at first and there were a larger number of people (possibly 50 or so) more than I expected. And then, since the Parish has a grade school, the school children were being led in by their teachers. I was almost panicked, forcing tears not to flow especially when I saw a statue of a soldier saluting on the Alter.
After the children were seated I went in and sat in a fairly empty pew with a couple people in the pew behind and in front of me. When the Priest was walking in the Children sang a song about America. Mass then started and the Priest came down to where the children were and asked them about soldiers and what they do, how they protect us, etc. He also named all the Branches of Service. Soon Mass continued and at Communion he asked all active duty and veterans to stand. The children all turned to look at us. I was such a mess and could not control the tears no matter how I tried. They then asked us to go get Communion first. Then before Mass ended we again had to stand up. Young children then brought us a small American Flag and then a first grader brought each of us a hand made card for Veterans Day and my tears got worse and I was almost sobbing. To make it worse I brought no tissue or handkerchief. At that time, with the Children still looking at us, they all applauded.
It has been 40 years since I first went into the service and this was the only time I had ever received a Veterans Day card or recognition. I was, and still am, overwhelmed. The following day when I went to work I told a Vietnam Veteran who I know only a little about the day and told him that if I would die now my life would feel complete.
Tears come to my eyes as I enter this post and words cannot express how moved I was and continue to be by this experience. I will never forget that day.
After the children were seated I went in and sat in a fairly empty pew with a couple people in the pew behind and in front of me. When the Priest was walking in the Children sang a song about America. Mass then started and the Priest came down to where the children were and asked them about soldiers and what they do, how they protect us, etc. He also named all the Branches of Service. Soon Mass continued and at Communion he asked all active duty and veterans to stand. The children all turned to look at us. I was such a mess and could not control the tears no matter how I tried. They then asked us to go get Communion first. Then before Mass ended we again had to stand up. Young children then brought us a small American Flag and then a first grader brought each of us a hand made card for Veterans Day and my tears got worse and I was almost sobbing. To make it worse I brought no tissue or handkerchief. At that time, with the Children still looking at us, they all applauded.
It has been 40 years since I first went into the service and this was the only time I had ever received a Veterans Day card or recognition. I was, and still am, overwhelmed. The following day when I went to work I told a Vietnam Veteran who I know only a little about the day and told him that if I would die now my life would feel complete.
Tears come to my eyes as I enter this post and words cannot express how moved I was and continue to be by this experience. I will never forget that day.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving 2010
Thanksgiving is now over and I'm really glad. It, as many things, brought back many memories. Of landing back in the world from Vietnam on Thanksgiving night, 1971. When trying to make flight arrangemnts homes at Travis (I believe) I hear a voice calling for Mahoney. It was a fellow soldier I was stationed with in either Basic or Advanced Training. He wanted to say hi. He also needed $20 dollars or so to fly home which I gave him. He said he'd send it to me but I knew I would probably not hear or see from him again. Nor did it matter regarding the $20. (One of the few times I seemed to actually have money on me.)
I remember sharing the cab with him and a couple other GIs and getting to San Francisco International and pacing the night away until my flight left the next morning. The following night in Omaha I came to realize it was all a mistake and I should have never left Vietnam. I was lonely, angry, made fun of and treated poorly for being a Vietnam Veteran. I was so overwhelmed over the next few days, teeth hurt from flying and the fillings, jet lag and everything had changed over the last year. My slang was a year old and brought many laughs, only adding to my hating to be back in the States. Nothing prepared me for what I was experiencing or going to experience.
My thoughts are my own exept for writing a few of them here and thinking about Vietnam and just how important my service was and is. It is burned into my being for all time. And my dreams have been full of being in the service and back in Vietnam these last few days. I pray for my fellow veterans and wonder and hope that when my times comes I will be reunited with them. As always, you are in my thoughts.
I remember sharing the cab with him and a couple other GIs and getting to San Francisco International and pacing the night away until my flight left the next morning. The following night in Omaha I came to realize it was all a mistake and I should have never left Vietnam. I was lonely, angry, made fun of and treated poorly for being a Vietnam Veteran. I was so overwhelmed over the next few days, teeth hurt from flying and the fillings, jet lag and everything had changed over the last year. My slang was a year old and brought many laughs, only adding to my hating to be back in the States. Nothing prepared me for what I was experiencing or going to experience.
My thoughts are my own exept for writing a few of them here and thinking about Vietnam and just how important my service was and is. It is burned into my being for all time. And my dreams have been full of being in the service and back in Vietnam these last few days. I pray for my fellow veterans and wonder and hope that when my times comes I will be reunited with them. As always, you are in my thoughts.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Veterans Day
Veterans Day is in two days. Some will work and others have a paid day off. Regardless, many will remember what the day is for and honor our Veterans in some way. Veterans Day is like every day for me as I remember and pray for Veterans daily.
For me the real difference is that as it gets closer to Veterans Day my memory is flooded more than ever with vivid memories and much more sadness for those who died. I find myself crying more and doing my best to conceal my feelings or thoughts from anyone around me - something I have done for 40 years. It is also a time I feel even more guilt that I lived and wanting to be with those who died. I wonder how God chose those who died and I get angry at Him. How could He have let that happen. But I also have faith and believe in God and and Heaven and know that these young men and women are there.
All I can say right now is that I remember being with you and praying for you and that I am sorry. My heart is filled with overwhelming sadness my brothers and I pray for you and your families even more on this Veterans Day.
For me the real difference is that as it gets closer to Veterans Day my memory is flooded more than ever with vivid memories and much more sadness for those who died. I find myself crying more and doing my best to conceal my feelings or thoughts from anyone around me - something I have done for 40 years. It is also a time I feel even more guilt that I lived and wanting to be with those who died. I wonder how God chose those who died and I get angry at Him. How could He have let that happen. But I also have faith and believe in God and and Heaven and know that these young men and women are there.
All I can say right now is that I remember being with you and praying for you and that I am sorry. My heart is filled with overwhelming sadness my brothers and I pray for you and your families even more on this Veterans Day.
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