Just Listen

Things in my life have been spiraling downward for some time and everything is such a struggle. I feel like I'm going crazy. I keep looking back at my life and wondering what I did wrong, the bad mistakes I have made and what impact they have had on my family and those around me. I feel I have really tried my best but always seem feel like a failure. I keep asking, is it all me? What could I have done better, why did I do things the way they did, etc. I feel so sorry for any pain I may have caused others. I keep wanting to take the blame for everything and I just can't do it anymore. I know I made mistakes but other's did too. Do they see it? Do they care? A lot is going on and I don't know why people around me can't listen. Listen to what I said and am saying. Listen to how I feel....what I'm really feeling. I'm trying to tell them but they don't seem to care or to listen. I need to feel that I matter. I need to feel that I am cared for and loved. I need to be heard. I'm so burned out and it seems like I have always been a caregiver and now I need care. I try to tell them but no one listens. I'm just so unsure of life at this point in time. Is there a future with me in it? What will that life be? Does anyone really care? Do I live in a dream world and expect something that just doesn't exist? At times like this my mind takes me back to Vietnam, not that a day doesn't go by that I think of it. It was the very worst yet the very best. I know it really sounds crazy but I felt happy there and felt a special bond...friends / people you depended on...your family. I was glad when my time was up and I was going back to the World but as I was leaving it hit me. It was my family I was leaving and I was not yet ready to go and due to going on Emergency Leave I didn't ever get to say my goodbyes. But I know I did listen and I also know I was heard. Well, it's late and I'm rambling. You should do it...just listen to someone who really needs to be listened to. They may only need someone to listen or possibly more, but just listen and you'll know and it may be one of the most important things you do today....Just Listen.

Father's day

Today is Fathers Day. For some it is getting together with your father and spending time with him. For others it may be calling him from a distance, SKYPE, etc. and telling him happy fathers day. For some it may be not wanting to remember him at all. And then there are those who lost their father before they met him due to his death in war or those who knew their father but also lost them due to war or death. I thought of those children today and how much they must miss their father. It is a day for remembering and thanking them for being in their life. As I think of my father I think of man that I believe was very shy and one who never quite felt he measured up as a husband, father, provider, worker, etc. I was the oldest of five boys and I never felt he really loved me or that I measured up to what he thought a son should have been. I remember when I was in my 30's I put my arms around him at a wedding and tried to kiss him and tell him I loved him. It didn't go as I wanted and I was so hurt. It was not until he was dying and in hospice that I realized he loved me. We were taking turns taking care of him at his home. I remember telling him my first day/night staying with him that he took car of me when I was a kid and that he had done his best and now it was my time and for him not to worry when I changed him, etc. I always made sure to tell him I loved him. And then one night in a very gravely voice I heard him say "I love you too Mickey." He had lost much of his ability to speak but I did hear that. And he would be in his room and call me "Mickey", "Mickey", to come into his room. Words cannot express my happiness and feelings. There are not books or instructions to be a parent and some of us just really try and try. In looking back I can now see how much my dad had going against him and just how difficult life must have been for him. I looked at some letters this week when I in Vietnam and I am so ashamed. How I wish I could now tell him how sorry I am. But then I look back and those last few days and never had I felt so close to him and loved him so much. I think he new that and him telling me he loved me and me him was closure. I believe I am very much like my dad in many ways. So dad, I'm thinking of you this Fathers Day with warm thought and prayers and a warm heart. Love - Your son - Mickey

Long Binh and the 24th out of Water

Most Long Binh was out of water which affected the 24th. Right about this time the radio came to life. Queen Tonic this is Wide Minnow. Wide Minnow, this is Queen Tonic we responded. Wide Minnow then went on to say what type of casualties we had inbound. At this time we were told to advise the chopper we could not take any patients due to no water supply. The GI I worked with asked how do we tell Wide Minnow we don't have water. He asked about a code or something so the VC (The way I remember it.) would not know we had no water. I didn't know what to tell him to say so he gets on the radio and says: Wide Minnow this is Queen Tonic. We can't take any patients as we do not have Whiskey-Alpha-Tango-Echo-Romeo. The call came back: Queen Tonic this is Wide Minnow. Are you saying you don't have any water. All we could do was laugh and I still grin when I think of this. What can I say, we were young GI's doing our best and we did get it out what we were out of Whiskey-Alpha-Tango-Echo-Romeo.

Letter home 15 Mar 71

Dear Mom, Forgot to tell you we got in a guy from Associated Press. His name is William Barton. He and another guy did not stop at a checkpoint in Siagon and a ARVN (South Vietnamese Soldier) shot him. He lost an eye and is very seriously ill. I carried him off the chopper. Also, Francious Sully from Newsweek was here. He died an 1 and a 1/2 later. The final line was for her to send and address and then signed Love, Mic. I have this picture in my head of Mr. Barton and believe I spoke to him and got some information from him after he got into the ER and remember a face and bandages over his eye. I has been driving me crazy looking for this short letter. I was so afraid I lost it and it is just something tat is very importnat to me. I often wonder if he made it and what his future held for him. Always remembering but not knowing is the worst for me. I just want to know, did they made it out safe, to know if they went onwit their lives. I know it sounds crazy and sometimes I feel I am going crazy. I guess the important thing for me is that I will alwalys remember.

Gun Shot Wound - Urgent Urology

The call came in that an incoming chopper was brining in a GI - Urgent Urology. I believe he was either a door gunner or crew chief on a chopper who had been shot. We got him into the ER from the chopper, fatigues stripped or cut off and he lay there with bandages covering his penis and testicles. I remember him being very quiet and pale looking with dark hair and of course, young. He laid on the littter as he was examined by the Doc and was soon taken into surgery. Later we were told by on of the Doc's that he was out of surgery. He said he had lost a testicle but there was no permanent damage to his penis which had been grazed by the bullet. He said he would recover and would be able to have kids. I seem to remember that he was married. As usual I felt such a relief. We had such great Doc's, nurses, corpmen and staff at the 24th and they saved so many lives. You know, I feel such a loss in my life as I think of these young GI's and what happened after they left the 24th. Did they go back to the world, the field and did they make it through their tour. I also think of those who died and their families. I pray for them and don't think a day has ever gone by that I don't think of those young GI's and Vietnam.

Urgent Urology

The young GI came in on a chopper as an urgent urology case. I seemed to remember him when I saw him. But then again we were all pretty much the same, just young men - soldiers and I saw so many coming in. This young man had been circumcised sometime earlier. If I remember correctly, there seemed to be a number of young GI's who came in for that which was probably because there were in the field and easier to keep clean. I think it really didn't matter if one was in the field or not for some of them getting circumcised.

This young man's penis was very swollen, enflamed, etc. and it was clear something was wrong. I remember him laying there on the litter as he was examined by the doctor. He looked so young but then again he / we were all young and really just beginning our lives but beginning it in a war zone.

I'm not sure if he went to surgery or exactly what happened next but I do remember the Dr. saying at some point in time that he had Leukemia. I*m not sure how he knew or came to that conclusion but that is what I remember. Apparently the circumcision brought that to light sooner by what was happening and it not healing, etc. and I remember them getting him onto a medical flight out of Vietnam.

This is what is burned into my memory and I think of him and wonder what became of him and what the future held for him. I hate the not knowing and wondering for all those that came in and our paths crossed for the short period of time. I know it probably sounds strange or stupid but there are times I feel I'm going crazy. I wonder and think and cry and I just feel so lost. And I am afraid, no matter how painful the memories are that I'll forget them and I never want to forget but keep these young Gi's in my mind and heart and always remember them no matter what.

The Bridegroom Documentary

I heard of the Bridegroom documentary regarding two young men, Tom and Shane, their love for each other and the tragic death of Tom. I watched that documentary and I found it touching, sad, yet uplifting regarding these two young men who loved each other so much. Unfortunately, Tom's family could not accept his being gay, his lifestyle nor his partner. How sad for them that they could not accept him for who he was and love him as he truly deserved. During this documentary it stated Tom's dad was a Vietnam Veteran and Tom had went to Vietnam to see the Country because of this.

I suspect it may seem odd to some that a 63 year old Vietnam Veteran would say this but love is love and we all need love. There is a book "Dispatches" where the writer talks of being at a firebase in Vietnam and it is quiet and all you hear are two marines in a sleeping bag making love. Was that a rarity? I doubt it. We were all very young men in Vietnam and fighting for the freedom of our Country but that did not eliminate the need for kindness, a simple touch, a kiss or making love. That did not mean the soldier was gay, although some were. What I think it meant is that at that time and place one needed the comfort of their comrade, friend, buddy, etc. And no one should care. For that one moment those soldiers found the love and comfort they needed and perhaps it was the last time they would ever experience a simple touch, to just be held, to cry in someone's arm's, a kiss or making love. Love is love and we have no right in denying it to anyone.