My Destiny

Is one's Destiny defined at the time of conception. Is whatever going to happen in our life going to happen regardless and we have no control over it? Are the decisions we make predetermined as part of our Destiny? Or do we have the ability to really change our Destiny based on the decisions we made/make in our lives. I personally believed My Destiny was out of my control and just accepted what happened in my life as a part of my Destiny.

My earliest memory was in kindergarten. I remember several things. My name tag, the room, me and a person in my class banging on a piano. However, the biggest memory I had was not being able to put my mat up in the cubby once, which was too high in this large closet. I tried and tried but could not do it. Being very shy I never asked for help and continued to get the mat in the cubby. Eventually the teacher came and and put it up for me. I told my parents about it as I missed the graham crackers and milk. I remember that my mom spoke to my teacher about this and was angry. I was so ashamed and felt the teacher would no longer like me and that it was my fault.

Today I continue handle many things like this. I'm still what I consider shy, afraid to ask for help and always seem to put the blame on myself. I don't correct people if I am called the wrong name, rarely stand up for myself, etc. I don't want to hurt other peoples feelings but seem to be fair game for anyone else. And sometimes I know I'm going to screw up before it happens and know what will be coming next, "poor Mickey".

As I grew up I always heard, Poor Mickey, everything happens to him. He never has any luck. Gee, I feel sorry for Mickey. This really made me accept the fact that for some reason I was doomed no matter what I did. Bad luck would always follow me. And if there was any good, I rarely ever heard it.

When I think back I see many decisions I made that I knew was wrong before or at the time I made them. Was that part of my Destiny or did I really have the opportunity to impact that event. I'm not sure. So much is going on in my life right now and I'm really trying to look at each new event and see if I can change the outcome to something more suitable and not fall into the "Poor Mickey" syndrome.

Why is this important? I guess because I'm looking at my lifetime experiences more now than I have ever done because of these posts. It really makes we wonder if the outcome could have been different had my decision been different. And even though some of the outcomes could have been different, the experience gained may have helped me at a later time based on that experience.

Well, so much for questions regarding my Destiny. All this wondering has made me tired so off to bed for some Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's. Now, that is a good decision and I'm making it.

Burn Patients

I was channel surfing and hit a channel showing a doctor treating burns of a crying child in Haiti. I watched for maybe 5 seconds and changed the channel. I felt very ill and nauseous after seeing this. I wondered why such vivid pictures must be show around the world. Was there a benefit to doing this? Will donations rise because of what we see? Is this for ratings or is it because this is what people around the world want to see suffering? Is this really news that we want to see? I find it so confusing and my emotions get so screwed up.

In March, 1971, the 24th took over as the Burn Center from the 93rd Evac which was closing. This brought in a whole new kind of casualty and something that I know I was not prepared for:

• Being on the chopper pad waiting to pull a burned pilot from and incoming chopper. He had been picked up by this small Loch Helicopter whose pilot was flying wildly as he tried to land. We thought we would be killed by this chopper as it made a wild landing literally sliding across the helipad towards us. The burned pilot jumped out of the door screaming with his arms up high in the air. He was burned on the upper body and had not shirt on. We didn't even attempt to get him on a litter, just ran with him into the ER.
• The experience of getting burned patients off the the choppers and into the ER.
• A burn patient in pre-op who had 2nd and 3rd degree burns who was speaking to us who died early in the morning with a number of us at his side.
• An unconscious soldier in pre-op who will never be operated on due to his poor condition who legs were horribly burned and ashen.
• The smell and look of burned flesh.
• Going into the burn ward each night to retrieve their 24 hour report seeing the patients having their dead and burned skin removed or being turned on the Stryker Frames.
• The high risk of infection.
• The horrible pain and suffering these patients experienced.

Maybe the confusion I feel is that I know what I saw on TV but have had the real experience of being there, participating and have the knowledge of what the patient and those who provide the care are actually going through. It leaves an imprint on your being that you will carry though your life and although it may be deeply hidden, it will rise at the least unexpected moment and feel as if it is happening before your eyes.

I don't know if one can say which type of wound is worse be it a traumatic amputation, head wound, burn, etc. but to me personally I always felt it was the burn patient. However, they are all horrific and they are always in my prayers.

Honesty and Telling the Truth

Being a good Catholic Boy and going to a Catholic Grade School I had to go to Confession once a week. I was really a quiet and shy kid and scared to death of the Priest. Fr. Morrin. Every week about the same time it was me trying my hardest to think of sins to confess. And, of course, he wanted to know how many times each sin was committed. So, each week I would “lie” in confession and make up sins because I didn’t want him mad at me. That must have worked because I can’t remember a time when I was yelled at in Confession after I began doing that.
When I did have the chance to go to church in Vietnam they did a general confession. One that they sort of announced and one just confessed their sins between themselves and God. I think that was the first time that I was really honest and truly confessed my sins. From that point on I always confessed my sins in church in that manner except for on one occasion.

I was living in Denver with my family and it was around November. My wife wanted all of us to go to confession so we stood in line for “Reconciliation” as it was now called. I remember that tears started running down my cheeks. I was a mess about Vietnam and this seemed to contribute to it. (It was an Anniversary date for something regarding Vietnam but at the time I did not have any understanding what that meant and the impact.) The longer we waited in line the more of a mess I became. Finally it was my turn to sit there, no longer hidden from the priest as in the confessional. I tried to speak to the priest; I wanted help and was so lost, afraid and sad. I tried to explain thinking that he would be able to help and take all this hurt away. After a couple minutes I realized that he would be unable to help me and soon my time was ended. I don’t fault the priest; it was just that I believed he could just immediately take all this hurt away from me which I now know was unrealistic.

Why do I write of this? I think it is because I started this site knowing that I’d be honest and truthful of what I am, who I am and what I have experienced. I am troubled at how truthful I should be. And if I am truthful what impact will it have to someone who knows me or someone who may view this site. Can they handle things I write about be it devastation of war or personal things about myself. And how will I handle it if it makes me feel more of an outcast than I have felt most of my life, especially since returning from Vietnam? What if that honesty makes a person who knows me or doesn’t know me think the worst of me or now dislike me?

So as I move forward I may keep some details I write about at a higher level based on what I think people who may read this can handle. And if people think the worst of me so be it. I'm just beginning to believe I’m am ok person.

40 Years Ago Today

40 years ago today I would have been in Nam for 7 days. I had landed on December 31st. I remember having to brush our teeth with unpotable water that we were not to drink but did take some sips - it was hot compared to Nebraska's winter. That day we in processed and ate at the mess hall called "Alice's Restaurant". That night all hell broke loose and a guy in the bunk above me fell out and ended up with a bloody nose. We didn't know what to do but then some how one figured out it was just the GI's shooting off some rounds celebrating the new year.

The following day I was assigned to the 24th Evac, a semi mobile 400 bed hospital. I showed up and the Top Sergeant wanted to know what the hell I was doing there. They didn't need a Communications Center Specialist. I was sent off to a hooch at an old NVA POW compound on the hospital grounds where I would spend time until a regular hootch would open up. There I met a new of the new and newer guys and Tom, who would become my best friend and who was an OR Tech. A night or two later I was taken out by the guys to drink and could not keep up with the beer I was being handed over and over again. They had to drag me back to the compound. Around 0200 hours I had to take a piss so bad and could not walk. I remember literally dragging myself and crawling outside in my jungle fatigues and taking a piss while laying on my side with the overhead spotlights lighting the compound and looking up at the fencing and barbed wire. What a sight that must have been. Around the 7th of January I was called into the Top Sergeant's office and told they had an assignment for me at A&D and that I'd be reporting in the a.m.

I knew nothing of what A&D stood for or what I was going to be doing. I was just glad to know that I was now going to be put to work. But, never in my life did I expect what was to come next.

GI With Leukemia in Vietnam

A week or so ago I was channel surfing. Something I do very often as I am finding TV and the regular programming making me very nervous. While surfing I came across MASH on TVLand. I noticed right away the actor was Patrick Swayze and told my wife to check out how young he was. She was in another room and just took a look and went back to her program. I have never really watched MASH before but seemed to be drawn to this episode. There was conversation that the Swayze character wanted to donate blood to his unconscious friend but that he had an arm wound that would not heal. I knew right then and there it was leukemia which Trapper and Hawkeye confirmed.

When in Nam there were a number of GI's coming in from the field to get circumcised. It was hard to keep clean in the field. One young man came in and had it done and after healing, etc. went back to his unit. No long after that he came back in via Chopper one night to the 24th with an urgent urology issue. I remember seeing his penis in the ER during treatment. It was very enlarged, swollen, red and not healed. The Doc's knew something was wrong. He was later diagnosed with Leukemia and he was airlifted out to Japan.

I have always remembered that young man. He was so young and looked like a teenage (which he was, like the majority of us). And such a great personality. I have wonder what ever happened to him. At the end of MASH it was pretty clear that the Swayze character would return to the states and fight a battle that he would lose. I pray that was not the case for that GI in Vietnam but fear that was what might have happened.

I have said some extra prayers for him and his family this last week and truly believe that if he did pass he is in heaven with his other Nam brothers.