Honesty and Telling the Truth

Being a good Catholic Boy and going to a Catholic Grade School I had to go to Confession once a week. I was really a quiet and shy kid and scared to death of the Priest. Fr. Morrin. Every week about the same time it was me trying my hardest to think of sins to confess. And, of course, he wanted to know how many times each sin was committed. So, each week I would “lie” in confession and make up sins because I didn’t want him mad at me. That must have worked because I can’t remember a time when I was yelled at in Confession after I began doing that.
When I did have the chance to go to church in Vietnam they did a general confession. One that they sort of announced and one just confessed their sins between themselves and God. I think that was the first time that I was really honest and truly confessed my sins. From that point on I always confessed my sins in church in that manner except for on one occasion.

I was living in Denver with my family and it was around November. My wife wanted all of us to go to confession so we stood in line for “Reconciliation” as it was now called. I remember that tears started running down my cheeks. I was a mess about Vietnam and this seemed to contribute to it. (It was an Anniversary date for something regarding Vietnam but at the time I did not have any understanding what that meant and the impact.) The longer we waited in line the more of a mess I became. Finally it was my turn to sit there, no longer hidden from the priest as in the confessional. I tried to speak to the priest; I wanted help and was so lost, afraid and sad. I tried to explain thinking that he would be able to help and take all this hurt away. After a couple minutes I realized that he would be unable to help me and soon my time was ended. I don’t fault the priest; it was just that I believed he could just immediately take all this hurt away from me which I now know was unrealistic.

Why do I write of this? I think it is because I started this site knowing that I’d be honest and truthful of what I am, who I am and what I have experienced. I am troubled at how truthful I should be. And if I am truthful what impact will it have to someone who knows me or someone who may view this site. Can they handle things I write about be it devastation of war or personal things about myself. And how will I handle it if it makes me feel more of an outcast than I have felt most of my life, especially since returning from Vietnam? What if that honesty makes a person who knows me or doesn’t know me think the worst of me or now dislike me?

So as I move forward I may keep some details I write about at a higher level based on what I think people who may read this can handle. And if people think the worst of me so be it. I'm just beginning to believe I’m am ok person.