Things you remember....

I was with the Nut Doctor this week and sometimes things come out and I wonder where did that come from and why did I say that. All of the sudden I was telling him about coming home from Vietnam and was physically and mentally drained. One day your in Vietnam on Thanksgiving and then you leave and your in San Francisco on Thanksgiving. Then the next day your home and you feel you are in this Twilight Zone where you feel you don't belong, don't know those around you and yearn to be back with your family in Vietnam. It was a terrible feeling that just kept getting worse. Then someone says "Mom, why don't you show Mickey what he did to you when he was in Vietnam." or something to that effect. She then pulls off a wig (she never wore a wig) and she was pretty much totally gray. There seemed to be giggle and laughs from her and my family. Inside I was horrified. Not only did I feel I left my family behind in Vietnam and didn't want to be in Omaha, had guilt I was now home, didn't feel I fit in at all being back, people were dying and now - because of me - my mother has gray hair. I know this sounds really stupid but that is how I felt. It was just one more thing to have guilt about. I always felt I was a poster boy for being Catholic. God knows I carry guilt, especially about Vietnam. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed I just don't know why God just doesn't take me. Maybe I'm already dead and I'm in hell. Maybe I just have not suffered enough. So, I'll stop the post here and stop whining and hope I'm not coming across as feeling sorry for myself because that is not how I feel. It's more that maybe I just never did as good as I should have done. Maybe I should have tried harder, been better, etc. The Nut Doctor told me I remind him of Boxer in Animal Farm. I finally read the book after hearing this from him for some time and I think he is right.