Suicide is forever....

Robin Williams, who was an extremely talented actor, committed suicide a couple days ago and there has been an outpouring of grief and sadness. There is also much is being said about him, his career and what he did for those who served in the Armed Forces. Based on all news accounts he suffered from substance abuse and greatly from depression which was something he shared in interviews. Unfortunately Shepard Smith with Fox News, Todd Bridges the actor and now Rush Limbaugh among others have come out with negative and inappropriate comments. I have personally witnessed many different sides of suicide. The failed side, the successful side and the impact it made to the families involved. Being a Catholic I was always taught it was a sin and you'd go to hell. I could not understand why God would send a person to hell if they committed suicide. Didn't He know that it just wasn't a "Gee, I think I'll kill myself." as if an afterthought? As time goes by in my life I have come to realize and understand more and more just how one must feel, their sadness, no hope for the future, confusion, that their life has no meaning, they are perhaps a failure, no one loves or will miss them and just how little control they may have, etc. And suicide is forever and sometimes one may forget that as they see actors in a movie and they kill themselves in it and the next week they are seen in another movie. This is especially dangerous for young people. Have seen suicide attempts, etc. in Vietnam and later in civilian life and now especially with those men and women returning from war I think that everyone, especially those in the media, or anyone else, needs to think about what they say. That person who committed suicide was a human being, a father, son, mother, aunt, uncle, daughter, brother, sister, etc. And their family will be forever changed by what happened and always wonder why and what they could have done to have stopped or helped that person. Instead of being so cruel and mean the media and others need only say that a person died and what a loss it is to lose them and how they were loved by their family and friends and that they will be forever loved and missed and our thoughts and prayers are with their family.

To make a difference....

I spoke with a person early last week on a high level regarding my PTSD and I ended up totally frustrated, confused, inadequate, etc. I blame myself as I'm the one who initiated the meeting/conversation. And for the last three weeks my mind has been overwhelmed with memories, confusion, thoughts of what it was and what could have been and what it is. Sometimes I get so fucking pissed off. I just want to blow. All this inside is just killing me and I'm so lonely and miss those special friends I served with. I want that back. I was not ready to come back from Vietnam. I thought I was but since I left on emergency leave a week or so before did not get a change to say my goodbyes, exchange address, etc. Not every duty station was filled with a ton of close friends but always that one you felt so close to I hurt so much having lost that. And I think everyone you served with was away from home and depended on each other and in a sense became a family. The guilt right now is overwhelming that I was not killed and I think it would have been best if I would have been. I look back at my life and other than the service, especially Vietnam, its so fucked up. I tried to be a good husband but that sure doesn't seem to be the case. I tried to be a good stepfather, paid all the bills, medical, trip to see dad and grandparents etc. and ended up with a step-daughter who disowned me and told me I'm not her father. Pretty much failed for my adopted daughter and son as well. Fuck, I tried to give them all what I didn't have growing up and ended up with kids who didn't learn responsibility and I'm so sorry and wish I would have raised them differently. Less trips, buy their own car, pay their own insurance, etc. Here I am, just turned 64 and retired but will probably need to find another job. Never good at money management and did poorly in school and wanted to give my kids everything. So, I didn't save for retirement. When I was force retired in 2003 I built our small dream house. Well, taxes weren't taken out of my distribution and with poor attorney advice I lost my new home and some furnishings, live in an apartment and just retired from a second job. So most of my monies I get go to pay back federal and state taxes that I was told the assets from the home sale would do. I'm also raising a seven year old disabled grandson who is just a beautiful little boy which brings its own issues like I don't have a home with a yard and he loves being outside, will I live long enough to see him through 19, will I be able to get monies aside for needs when I'm gone and find someone who will be there for him and make sure he is taken care of and his needs met. Know one will really ever know what I really went through, feel, etc. other than the Nut Doctor and Social Worker I have been seeing and then only at a higher level but they are smart and probably really know more than I think. I rarely, if ever, talk about Vietnam but the memories are always with me no matter what and in the last three weeks I have been hit harder than ever with memories in things people have said, smells, hurt by comments, etc. I've been so sad for so long. At night or when alone I cry, remember, wish and pray. I ask God what I have done that has been so bad that my life is like this. I think of a couple special friends and wish I was smarter and knew what was going on and I'm so sorry I didn't as my life could have possibly been different. Knowing everything I do I would go back to Vietnam. It is so much a part of me and I tried my best to "Make a Difference". I guess that is all one can hope for is to "Make a Difference" and just touch someone life. So many times I wish I'd have died in Vietnam and be among my brothers who I know are in Heaven but all I am able to do is pray for them and tell them I'm sorry they died and I wish it would have been me so they would have have come home, been with their families and lived a life that I hope would have been wonderful. All I can say is that I'm so sorry it was not me.

Seargant Dawes

I was thinking of people that crossed my path and how thankful I was that they did. One of those was Sargent Dawes. I had gotten in some trouble at my last duty station, Ft. Carson. Looking back I now realize what a mental mess I was but at the time I just didn't realize it or understand it. I was falling apart mentally and was just really lost. As a result of the trouble I had gotten into I was reassigned within my Company to Sgt. Dawes in the Training Room. I was so afraid of everything and everyone. I felt as if I was hanging on by a thread. When I went into the training room I met Sgt. Dawes. He was an older Sgt. who had a very quiet / different sounding voice which actually sounded as if something had happened to his throat causing this problem. (I seem to remember he had a scar on his neck.) I liked him from the very start. I noticed his quiet, soft spoken voice and his calm demeanor immediately. We talked some about the training room, what I would be doing, etc. It was hard not to feel at ease with him as he actually had a very calming effect on me. As the days and weeks moved on I began to feel like I'd make it through my tour, that the walls weren't crashing down on me and that I fit in as a part of this small group that consisted of me, Sgt. Vasquez and Sgt. Dawes. Sgt. Dawes even put me in for some type of recognition due to my performance and what I was doing. He told me it was denied because of the trouble I had been in and he felt it should have been approved. I soon realized that no matter how well I performed, that issue would always have a negative impact. Sgt. Dawes and another lifer who actually kind of scared me and who came across as a tough guy, talked to me. They told me that they felt I was given such harsh treatment for the trouble I got into because I was a Vietnam Vet. They told me how other GI's, and one in particular, who did the same thing I did but in a bigger way were only given an Article 15. The one particular GI actually received a suspended Article 15. I was court-martialed. They said they believed I was used as an example and things were harder for those who served in Vietnam and they were not treated as fairly. Just before getting out they both spoke with me again and the gruff Sgt. told me he tried to fix my records regarding the trouble I was in. That ended up being unsuccessful. I am so thankful my path crossed with Sgt. Dawes. I'm not sure I would have made it if it weren't for him. I can still see him in my mind and hear him speak and remember his big blue Chrysler he drove. I'm am also thankful for the gruff old Sgt. who really ended up being one of the good guys. I am honored to have met them.

Just Listen

Things in my life have been spiraling downward for some time and everything is such a struggle. I feel like I'm going crazy. I keep looking back at my life and wondering what I did wrong, the bad mistakes I have made and what impact they have had on my family and those around me. I feel I have really tried my best but always seem feel like a failure. I keep asking, is it all me? What could I have done better, why did I do things the way they did, etc. I feel so sorry for any pain I may have caused others. I keep wanting to take the blame for everything and I just can't do it anymore. I know I made mistakes but other's did too. Do they see it? Do they care? A lot is going on and I don't know why people around me can't listen. Listen to what I said and am saying. Listen to how I feel....what I'm really feeling. I'm trying to tell them but they don't seem to care or to listen. I need to feel that I matter. I need to feel that I am cared for and loved. I need to be heard. I'm so burned out and it seems like I have always been a caregiver and now I need care. I try to tell them but no one listens. I'm just so unsure of life at this point in time. Is there a future with me in it? What will that life be? Does anyone really care? Do I live in a dream world and expect something that just doesn't exist? At times like this my mind takes me back to Vietnam, not that a day doesn't go by that I think of it. It was the very worst yet the very best. I know it really sounds crazy but I felt happy there and felt a special bond...friends / people you depended on...your family. I was glad when my time was up and I was going back to the World but as I was leaving it hit me. It was my family I was leaving and I was not yet ready to go and due to going on Emergency Leave I didn't ever get to say my goodbyes. But I know I did listen and I also know I was heard. Well, it's late and I'm rambling. You should do it...just listen to someone who really needs to be listened to. They may only need someone to listen or possibly more, but just listen and you'll know and it may be one of the most important things you do today....Just Listen.

Father's day

Today is Fathers Day. For some it is getting together with your father and spending time with him. For others it may be calling him from a distance, SKYPE, etc. and telling him happy fathers day. For some it may be not wanting to remember him at all. And then there are those who lost their father before they met him due to his death in war or those who knew their father but also lost them due to war or death. I thought of those children today and how much they must miss their father. It is a day for remembering and thanking them for being in their life. As I think of my father I think of man that I believe was very shy and one who never quite felt he measured up as a husband, father, provider, worker, etc. I was the oldest of five boys and I never felt he really loved me or that I measured up to what he thought a son should have been. I remember when I was in my 30's I put my arms around him at a wedding and tried to kiss him and tell him I loved him. It didn't go as I wanted and I was so hurt. It was not until he was dying and in hospice that I realized he loved me. We were taking turns taking care of him at his home. I remember telling him my first day/night staying with him that he took car of me when I was a kid and that he had done his best and now it was my time and for him not to worry when I changed him, etc. I always made sure to tell him I loved him. And then one night in a very gravely voice I heard him say "I love you too Mickey." He had lost much of his ability to speak but I did hear that. And he would be in his room and call me "Mickey", "Mickey", to come into his room. Words cannot express my happiness and feelings. There are not books or instructions to be a parent and some of us just really try and try. In looking back I can now see how much my dad had going against him and just how difficult life must have been for him. I looked at some letters this week when I in Vietnam and I am so ashamed. How I wish I could now tell him how sorry I am. But then I look back and those last few days and never had I felt so close to him and loved him so much. I think he new that and him telling me he loved me and me him was closure. I believe I am very much like my dad in many ways. So dad, I'm thinking of you this Fathers Day with warm thought and prayers and a warm heart. Love - Your son - Mickey

Long Binh and the 24th out of Water

Most Long Binh was out of water which affected the 24th. Right about this time the radio came to life. Queen Tonic this is Wide Minnow. Wide Minnow, this is Queen Tonic we responded. Wide Minnow then went on to say what type of casualties we had inbound. At this time we were told to advise the chopper we could not take any patients due to no water supply. The GI I worked with asked how do we tell Wide Minnow we don't have water. He asked about a code or something so the VC (The way I remember it.) would not know we had no water. I didn't know what to tell him to say so he gets on the radio and says: Wide Minnow this is Queen Tonic. We can't take any patients as we do not have Whiskey-Alpha-Tango-Echo-Romeo. The call came back: Queen Tonic this is Wide Minnow. Are you saying you don't have any water. All we could do was laugh and I still grin when I think of this. What can I say, we were young GI's doing our best and we did get it out what we were out of Whiskey-Alpha-Tango-Echo-Romeo.

Letter home 15 Mar 71

Dear Mom, Forgot to tell you we got in a guy from Associated Press. His name is William Barton. He and another guy did not stop at a checkpoint in Siagon and a ARVN (South Vietnamese Soldier) shot him. He lost an eye and is very seriously ill. I carried him off the chopper. Also, Francious Sully from Newsweek was here. He died an 1 and a 1/2 later. The final line was for her to send and address and then signed Love, Mic. I have this picture in my head of Mr. Barton and believe I spoke to him and got some information from him after he got into the ER and remember a face and bandages over his eye. I has been driving me crazy looking for this short letter. I was so afraid I lost it and it is just something tat is very importnat to me. I often wonder if he made it and what his future held for him. Always remembering but not knowing is the worst for me. I just want to know, did they made it out safe, to know if they went onwit their lives. I know it sounds crazy and sometimes I feel I am going crazy. I guess the important thing for me is that I will alwalys remember.