Don't Ask - Don't Tell

In last Sunday's Parade Magazine in the newspaper there was a question on the status of the "Don't ask, Don't Tell" policy change. It quoted a Senator who stated something to the effect that he was brought up Catholic, was an Alter Boy and Straight but was for the change in policy as we needed more to serve in the war.

I believe it goes further than that and his remark should not be why we must allow gays in the Military. One's sexual makeup as being straight or gay does not determine the quality of the person or their abilities. I know many straight men who would do awful as a soldier and would tell you so. I also no many gay men who would make a great soldier and there are a large number of them serving today. I also had the honor of knowing some of them. And take a look at some of the officers who were discharged recently and huge support from there fellow service men but then again they were gay so they were apparently incompetent and unacceptable.

What are the determining factors that a person is solid and capable person? Why does being gay mean you are not capable to serve your Country. I served for over two three years and never once did that issue really become a factor as far as I was aware only only once did I hear a fellow soldier say it in a negative way towards another soldier. And this was in 1970-1973. Did I serve with gay men, along with married men, divorced men, men who got their girlfriend pregnant and need that job in their service for benefits an support of his new family, etc.? Yes. As in public life there are many, many types of people. I believe that I and most everyone else, do not have the right to judge and determine who is good and who is bad.

I myself believe those who commit crimes especially murder, rape, theft, abductions, taking advantage of minors, etc. are not good people and their are laws that have been broken and those people must be held accountable for their actions.

Who are we to say that two people who are attracted to someone of their own sex is unsuitable, bad, deranged, etc. When in the service, especially in a war zone one wants his fellow soldier to be qualified, watch his back, dependable and on and on.

When one is in the service, especially in a war zone that seems a zillion miles from home his fellow soldiers are his family. You depend on them. You eat together, shower together, go to church together, fight together, drink and party together, comfort each other, share your inner most thoughts and upbringing with. You will share a bond that those who never served will ever understand or know.

I believe that when in a foreign land and fighting a war for a people who have a different language, religion, history, etc. it brings even more loneliness, isolation and frustration. Many of those who served have made their best and most memorable friend they will have have in this situation and many times will never see again once they get back to the World. And for many of those soldiers that friendship will become more of a physical, hugging, horsing around friendship. At some time it may become a sexual relationship. They will reach out to comfort each other and to feel another warm body against theirs. Someone who will understand them, where they came from and how they feel.

Will this become a sexual romp just to get off? Probably not. It will be just two soldiers, two friends, two lonely and caring men who have formed a bond only other's in their same situation would understand. Is one or the other or both gay, bisexual or straight? Perhaps. But what I believe they are are just two men serving their country who in the midst of all the madness, death and destruction around them formed this incredible bond and at this moment in time share that bond and love for each other. They know they may not make it through this tough fight and may not see each other again after this is over but for that brief time know that tenderness, compassion, the warmth of another body and love exists.

Regardless if these soldiers just share that horseplay, headlocks, and just spending as much time together or take that it to the next level, Love is Love and I believe in this case more pure than most.
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After posting this I came across a website about soldiers who served in WWII, Vietnam who have died. One headstone carries the message:

"When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one."

A dad and his son in Afganistan.

There were two stories today, one on Fox's website and one on CNN's that caught my interest. Fox had a story and a video clip of a school children singing a song that praised President Obama. The other was a story that covered a father and son serving in Afghanistan. To me, the most important was the father and son story.

The story told of the "lifer" father and his family and how he raised his son and daughter. It contained information about the son wanting to go into the Army with the dad suggesting that he at least give college a try, which he did for a year. But he wanted to go into their service.

They are both paratroopers and part of the same command, but different units. This article spoke not only how close the family is but the closeness of father and son. When I looked at the picture it was clear to me the love the family has for each other. You know there are those pictures that don't seem really genuine and those tat are. The pictures were wonderful. One could immediately tell just how close and loving this family is and no doubt the love that is shared. And there was no doubt in my mind that both the father and son are true characters full of joy, excitement, adventure, mischievous, etc.

I believe it is time for our government to require that all representative of congress the senate and the president serve in the Armed Forces and receive an honorable discourage. Yes, there are some who could not serve because of physical issues that an alternative may have to be devloped, but still in service to our Country.

As for the praise for President Obama in the song, to me it's nothing more that some school children singing a song for an elected official who, as far as I'm concerned, has not yet proven his value to our Country and it's citizens - and I do wish him success and pray he will have all United States Citizens in his best interest. .

So instead of singing aobut him, let's sing a song of praise to the men and women who have served, are serving or will be serving our country. They are the true heroes that make our Country the land of the free.

May God look after you tonight and all nights and keep you safe.

Suicide is Painless????? ---- IT IS PAINFUL

Do your remember that song - tune from M.A.S.H 'Suicide is Painless"? I have heard that music over and over in my head for the last few weeks.

Today a women in Des Moines who works in the same arena as I do sent me an E-mail that a co-workers son committed suicide at 20 a day or two ago and she was overwhelmed with sadness.

In Nam at the 24th I experienced the results of both suicide and attempted suicide a number orf times. And I too have been overwhelmed with grief as to the loss of men who were soldiers and someones son, brother, cousin, nephew, grandchild and spouse.

As a good Catholic Boy and Alter Boy I was always told that if you committed suicide you would go to hell and were a sinner. But then I served in Nam and after I returned I began to feel differently. I missed my family in Nam and everything felt hopeless, just as I am currently feeling. I began to understand how one can be so overwhelmed in life that they either believe that is the only way to end their sorrow or, perhaps they are not even aware of their surroundings, feeling totally lost or just not aware of what is happening and beginning to fall off the edge of the cliff.

Have I ever thought of suicide? Often. I sometimes think that would be the best thing I could do. It would get me out of this sometimes horrible existence and reunite me with my brothers from Nam who my heart aches for. And, more recently, that hopefully I'd make people suffer and I'd feel - there I showed you. But what about those wonderful people who have crossed your path, if only for an instant. Those who you liked right away, who made you smile and in that instance touched your life forever? What about those you truly love and the impact to them?

You know, suicide really isn't painless. One may suffer incredibly before dying or may not die at all. And if they don't die, they could be maimed or disabled for the rest of their life living a truly horrible existence and totally dependent on others.

A number of years ago someone found my E-mail address from the 24th Evac's website who was a Nam vet. He wanted to know so much information about the hospital, casualties, their treatment, etc. To me he seemed to be close to the edge and very very sad. I responded and then made a point to E-mail him weekly and to tell him I was worried about him and to hang in there and that I was there if he needed anything. He too would E-mail me just a short note to say "Hi". After a period of time the E-mails stopped between us but I think of this stranger, a brother of mine, and pray he is well.

Suicide isn't painless and feeling hopeless, full of sorrow and lonely is not painless either. Remember, there is someone out there who cares and understands. If your a vet, go the VA. They have resources to help, something most Vietnam Vets were not aware of or made aware of when they were discharged.

Remember that there are people who really do care and I am one of them. It doesn't matter that we have never met, what matters is that you are a person, one who is special and worth the best life can offer you.

Going Back For Closure - Welcoming Dreams

Today on on either Fox or CNN was a story of Iraq veterans going back as civilians for closure. In this article, they referred to Vietnam Veterans and how that need was expressed or learned through them the need for that closure. However, for those going back to Nam this has been much later than what is happening with Iraq veterans.

I often go back to Vietnam in my dreams at night. The dreams are usually horror filled or extremely calming and welcoming.

In those welcoming dreams, I am back at the 24th Evac and nothing has changed other than there is no more war. All of the hospital staff are there and we all look and act the same. And we are so very happy to be together again. I know and remember every detail on the hootch's, the hospital, staff and perimeter of the hospital. It is sheer joy for all of us and to be around those familiar surroundings and each other. I don't' think I have ever experienced such joy

Unfortunately the dreams are short and as I awake from either the Horror or Welcoming dream I find myself so confused. Many times I believe it was real and I struggle to wake and figure out just what happened and where I am. And I can't believe it was a dream. How can something so vivid and alive be a dream.

A couple years ago I found out the 24th had a website and there had been a reunion in Washington, D.C. I searched out and was able to find a former 24th GI who served there several years before me. He sent me a book that had been put together for the reunion. I was devastated when I read that soon after the pullout of troops, the 24th was stripped by vandalism and that Long Binh was basically plowed under except for one building. It felt as if someone ripped my heart out.

My dreams of going back to see the 24th and Long Binh are forever gone but not in my mind and dreams. Those will never leave me nor would I want them to. I had always silently hoped of returning there and taking my son with me to tour the country for a couple weeks. My son was adopted from Korea and we have talked about going there together and stopping in Korea. How wonderful that would be to share that with him especially knowing he is one of the few people who have shown me respect for the little I've spoken with him about.

So, It's late and I'm off to bed after a very sad day or two due to comments made about my serving in Vietnam and the lack of respect I felt. I know in my heart I will once again be back in Nam tonight. It's so odd that one would want to be there rather than at home, but to me that was home and nothing can every make me feel otherwise.

When do you Fire?

Seven ex-CIA chiefs singed a letter to President Obama regarding opening up the criminal investigation of the CIA terrorist interrogations and the damage that it will cause.

When do you Fire at the enemy?

One night in Nam the radio crackled to life. A chopper had been shot up and the co-pilot was at the stick. He was directed to our hospital. Shortly thereafter, he radioed that he went down. Wide Minnow (the group that directed choppers to hospitals) wanted a fix and would try to get help to them. The co-pilot said "No" and he got the chopper back up in the air.

I was on the helipad that night watching the bird swaying all over the place as he tried to land which he finally did. The skids were bent from going down earlier and it wobbled on the helipad. We got off the pilot, crew chief, door gunner and the co-pilot walked in. All had been wounded with the pilot being injured the worst. As I remember it, his heel was pretty much torn off.

After everything settled down, the wounded taken care of and the pilot in surgery, we heard the tale from the crew. They were over the Saigon River hovering over a Sampan. There were two South Vietnamese Advisers on-board. The crew kept asking for the ok to fire. That approval never came. But the NVA on the Sampan didn't need approval and shot up the helicopter. It was a miracle that the GI's were not killed . And how were the Advisers injured? They weren't. I was on the helipad again as the co-pilot started up the bird and hopped over a small road to the small helipad that choppers used to load up on herbicides to spray the foliage to kill it. (Do you believe that? And taht close to the hospital) Again, with much difficulty he got it over to the pad and shut down.

In a time of war the emphasis should be on keeping our country, citizens and especially those in the direct line of fire safe. What happened to the rights of soldiers, this country and it's citizens? When do we fire? Do we become so immersed in the rights of the enemy that we risk the lives of our citizens and make them less important? Right now we are facing an enemy that places no value on the country, and men, women and children of their country. When do we fire? Human life must be valued but I do not believe that the enemies lives should be valued before out own citizens.

When do we fire?

Coming Home from War

On the CNN website today there are stories from IReporters regarding veteran fears on going home. I have not read them but had those fears on my return from Vietnam. As I had said in an earlier post, I was release a couple weeks early due to my little brother's hunting accident. It was on Thanksgiving day 1971. I was rushed to get my records, packed, processed and out that night.

It may sound strange but as that day progressed the more afraid I felt. I wasn't able to say my goodbyes due to the nature of my leaving other than to a few people. I remember one of the Ambulance drivers from the South who started crying and hugging me. I did not even get to say a real goodbye to my bunk mate nor exchange addresses with him or others I had been stationed with.

I was so confused. At first I was happy that my time had come to return to the "World". Then, slowly, I became afraid. It took me only a couple days to return home without those goodbyes or to even try to understand what was about to happen. It took me a day after I returned to realize this was a mistake. The "World" as I left it wasn't the same. It had progressed to a different time. Slang was different, people were different and I was what I was a year before, frozen in time except that I was no longer the same inside. I was overwhelmed with sadness for the sudden loss of "my family" in Vietnam. Those who you shared so much with. The joy of a soldier surviving his injuries and going home, working 12 hours or more a day with little time off. Sharing joys, sorrow and friendships. Hearing the song "Leaving on a jet plane." or "I'm five hundred miles from home." and not ashamed of crying or having tears run down your cheeks knowing that your feelings were truly understood. And sharing the biggest sorrows of war, dismemberment and death. Always remembering those whose suffered such pain, loss of limb, burns and death.

I have been back almost 40 years yet remember it as if it was yesterday. And how I long for those days again and I go back there daily in my thoughts and dreams. I have come to realize recently with the help of the Vet Center that no one would be able to sustain living that type of life for 40 years. But I have more understanding as to why I feel the way I do and I feel so proud of what I was able to do in that year and proud of my fellow soldiers. A number of years ago someone in Washington D.C. said that we were not the best but I beg to differ. We may have been from poor or minority families that were drafted, uneducated or could not afford college but we gave all we could for a country and it's citizens who were ungrateful for the scarifies we made. Yes, things may have tempered since then but the hurt we experienced, the name calling, etc. will remain with us forever.

To my fellow Vietnam Veterans - and all veterans from any era - we were all the best this country had to offer and this country is free because of us.

War Memories Renewed

It has been a week of sad stories from the wars in Afganistan and Iraq including stories of veterans who served and died for this Country. For me, this week has brought back many sad memories. I try to be what I perceive as my usual self, joking, telling stories for laughs, etc. Inside my heart is breaking.

First it is from all the E-mails I am receiving regarding sad stories of our veterans that break my heart. But when I investigate further, many of the stories in the E-mails are not true and I'm not sure where they are coming from. Is it from someone who believes they are being patiotic? Do they feel they are supporting our troops? Do these people, many who have not served our country, realize what this does when sending these types of stories to veterans, especially those who served or were involved in a war zone? I find myself crying more and more and trying to hold back my emotions. And as the week is progressing I find myself becoming more emotional for the simplest of reasons.

And then there has been the sad stories of Pat Tillman and his journal, letters and how he felt about the war, his fellow soldiers in boot camp, etc. And of the father who finished the book for his dead son and his traveling to Iraq. There was also a family that received word their son had died only to find he had not.

I read today how many soldiers are going to experience PTSD from their experience in Afganistan and Iraq. But I think of those who served our country in Vietnam and the huge impact these wars are having on us. Our war didn't really end in our mind and life (does any war) nor did we have the support of the country. For many of us, we hid our emotions and tried to be the best we could. Now many of us find that we can no longer hold in those feelings that we have felt for so long.

I yearn for the day when I'll no longer be on this earth and reunited with all my brothers and sisters from Vietnam. What is heaven to me? It is being with those wonderful veterans sharing stories our lives and service. It will be reuniting with all of those who died, especially those who I was personally involved with. Those who I was with when they died or stripped off their clothing secured their valuables and put them in that awful bag. I want to know their families and tell them that I and others were there with them, that weI cried for them and they were not alone.

Why does one wish they were still back there, reunited with people who you really didn't know but had this incredible trust and affection for? There is never a day that goes by that I have not remembered and nor will I ever forget. My thoughts go out to all our veterans past, present and future. I think of you daily and you are always in my prayers and thoughts. No matter what war you were from, branch you served, you were the best of this Country which would be nothing without you and your service.